Living with Scleroderma

Reflections on the Messy Complexity of Chronicity

mindfulness

I Just Want to Sleep

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I’m going through one of those phases when I’m not sleeping soundly every night. Too much going on in the world and at home, too many demands on my mental and emotional energy. Usually I can hit the pillow and just drop off, maybe getting up once during the night for a trip to the bathroom, then back to sleep. Not so at the moment, and it’s just so annoying.

I listen to guided meditation and sleepcasts. I’ve recently tried listening to brown noise in my mediation app. According to the Cleveland Clinic, this is low frequency sound, like distant thunder, waterfalls, or heavy rain. The version I have sounds like a low rumbling and is surprisingly soothing. If I’m stressed and my blood pressure is up, this background noise seems to quell my heart rate. I’ve also tried a form of ocean breathing, which is calming.

But sometimes my brain just keeps on whirring. Counting backwards from 100 and starting over when I miss a number works occasionally to nudge me off my train of thought. So does naming all the state capitals (yes, I’m a nerd). Or free-associating with nouns starting with the same letter.

Sunday night, however, I just gave up. I went to bed early because I was really tired and also thrown off by the switch back to standard time. I woke up after only two hours of sleep. It wasn’t even midnight, yet. Aargh! I went through my whole routine and nothing worked. So I caved and took a Benadryl, despite no rash or other allergic reaction. It knocked me out, thank goodness, but it always leaves me groggy in the morning.

So my next quest is to try low-dose Melatonin. I’ve never done this before, but it feels like my aging brain sometimes cannot get my natural melatonin to flow. I’m going to start with a very low dose of 1 milligram and see what happens. I’ve read about using it to help with transatlantic jet lag, but never tried it for that, either. It seems safe enough. So, we shall see.

Sleep is so essential to maintaining good health, especially when the world is going crazy.

And the antidote to all that crazy is to participate in preserving our precious democracy. (How’s that for a segue?!) Today is Election Day here in the USA. there is so much at stake. Be sure to exercise your privilege. If you haven’t already, please get out and vote!

Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com. Please view Privacy Policy here.

Image: Greta Bartolini

On the Mend

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I am happy to report that our latest bout with Covid appears to be over. Al is feeling fine, and I am regaining my energy. Thank goodness for Paxlovid, which began to ease my chills, joint pain, headache, and congestion within 24 hours. It leaves a metallic taste, but who cares? Better that than to be really sick.

On top of this, I spiked an infection in my left thumb, which has perpetual ulcers. I tried unsuccessfully for at least a week to treat it with topical antibiotics, to no avail. I finally caved in and started Minocycline, which usually clears out digital ulcer infections within a week or two, and I’m relieved that it seems to be working, once again. Especially after one very bad night last week when the stabbing pain from the infection woke me around 2:30 in the morning and made it nearly impossible to get back to sleep.

So, on both counts, I’m grateful for my body’s ability to heal.

We weathered the tail of Hurricane Isaias over the weekend—just rain here. If you live along the Gulf Coast or in the southeast U.S. where the storm was most severe, I hope that your power has returned and that you and yours are safe and sound, too.

And so, the leaves are starting to turn here in Central Massachusetts, gold and orange and crimson, mixed with lingering green. Our lavender hydrangea has faded to dusty rose. The sun is shining as I write, peeking from behind fluffy clouds.

You never know what the day will bring. But this one is shaping up nicely, thank you very much. I’ll take it.

Be well, Dear Reader.

Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com. Please view Privacy Policy here.

After the Deluge

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It has been pouring rain here all weekend in an unusual early-fall Nor’easter. Lots of wind, especially along the coast. Fortunately, we’re an hour’s drive inland from Boston, so the impact wasn’t as severe here. On Nantucket, winds and surf were so intense that remains of an 1884 shipwreck washed ashore.

The storm arrived just in time for the Jewish holiday of Sukkot, an eight-day festival that follows the High Holidays. A special feature of the holiday is to erect a sukkah, which is an intentionally flimsy structure that has a roof made of plant material that enables you to see the stars at night. Al always cuts pine boughs for ours. One side of this rectangular “booth” is open, and the walls are made of fabric or tarps or other lightweight material.

You’re supposed to eat meals inside it, and some people even sleep in theirs. Sitting outside in the sukkah is like taking a camping trip in your back yard. The air is fresh and clean, and you still hear the crickets and other night critters this time of year in New England. It’s truly lovely.

But in a rain storm, not so lovely. We haven’t been able to eat outside yet. Al is waiting until the storm clears to decorate it with gourds.

Despite all the wind and rain, however, our sukkah is still standing. For many years, Al built and rebuilt our sukkah with old two-by-fours and sheets, but fortunately he finally agreed with me, after it nearly collapsed in the construction process last fall, that it was time to get a sukkah kit, which has a metal pole frame and, though impermanent, is a lot safer and easier to assemble. I used some bungee cords to anchor the bottom frame to the rail of our back deck. The pine boughs are drooping, saturated with water. But it’s all still there.

Nevertheless, the impermanence of the sukkah is the whole point. It’s a very tactile way to contemplate the impermanence of life and, for me, God’s protecting presence. We may think we have control in our safe, sturdy homes, with all of our belongings and tech gadgets and such, but the reality is that control is an illusion. Change is the only constant.

And so, this year, we’ve had to wait to spend time in our sukkah. Soon enough, Al will hang the gourds and we’ll enjoy eating inside it once again.

Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com. Please view Privacy Policy here.

Upon Reflection

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It’s dreary and raining this Sunday afternoon. I’m writing now because Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement and highest holiday in the Jewish calendar, starts this evening and goes through Monday, which is the day I normally write this blog. It’s a somber day that caps a period of self-reflection. We’re supposed to think about who we’ve wronged during the year and make amends. We’re supposed to ask hard questions: How can I do better, be better to my family, friends, my community, in my relationship with God?

I wish I felt better prepared. I haven’t been able to find time to think about all of this in advance. So tomorrow will be a crash review of the year and what I need to improve on.

I know a few things. I need to be more patient with those closest to me—and with myself. I cannot be or pretend to be Wonder Woman and do everything for everyone else who needs me. Sometimes it really is best to step back, even if my ego says I could/should step forward.

There’s more, much more, to contemplate. It seems like an onerous task, at first, but by sundown on Yom Kippur, I always actually feel clearer and lighter—not just from fasting, but from introspection.

And so, to all who observe this holiday, I hope you, too, had a meaningful day. Whatever your faith or beliefs, be well.

Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com. Please view Privacy Policy here.

Image: Walter Walraven

As the Leaves Begin to Turn

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It always surprises me this time of year to see leaves already dropping from the trees on our street. I mean, come on, it’s still technically summer here in New England! But the days are growing noticeably short, and less sunlight means less photosynthesis. So, yes, the leaves and other green plants are shifting into autumnal mode.

Al and I took a short hike on Sunday afternoon along a trail by a mill pond for a long-abandoned cider mill not far from our home. It was a bit too buggy for my taste, but the foliage was lovely and the air was moist and rich with the scent of forest duff. Here are a few photos. Enjoy (without the mosquitoes)!

Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com. Please view Privacy Policy here.