Living with Scleroderma

Reflections on the Messy Complexity of Chronicity

Hearing

Course Correction

· · 2 Comments

Our long August weekend in Burlington, Vermont, already seems like months ago. But I’ve been thinking about one of our adventures, a two-hour sailboat cruise on Lake Champlain, ever since.

It was Friday afternoon, hot, humid, perfect weather to get out on the water. A family of four sat at the bow, beneath the jib, and Al and I sat aft, behind the mainsail. When I mentioned to our captain how much I love sailboats, he said, “Would you like to sail it?”

Now, it’s been about 40 years since I’ve taken sailing lessons, but I figured he would be right there, so I agreed. And that is how I found myself taking the helm, gripping the stainless steel wheel, and wondering what exactly I had gotten myself into. “Relax,” said the captain. Sure, I thought, easy for you to say, but I really don’t want to capsize our sailboat with that nice young family up front.

He told me to turn the wheel back and forth to see what happened. As I moved the rudder, the boat shifted direction slightly to left or right, with a momentary delay. It was as if wind and current had to negotiate a bit before our direction was determined. For the next twenty minutes or so, I did my best to sail us safely out of the harbor between the breakwaters and into the huge lake, focused on a cleft between two mountains on the horizon, as our captain instructed.

It was not easy. Wind and current competed constantly, and I had to make many small adjustments of the rudder to keep us on course. To me, it looked like we were zigging and zagging through the water, but the family at the bow seemed to be enjoying themselves, and the captain was not in the least concerned. Al just enjoyed being along for the ride.

When I handed back the helm, the captain attached the wheel to some cables connected to an internal computer, set the course, and the boat effectively sailed itself. But the computer constantly adjusted the wheel back and forth, just as I had, to balance out the tug of current and push of wind. So that made me feel better.

Staying on course is never a straight line.

Every moment of every day, we make choices. We’re buffeted by many options, distractions, demands on our time and attention. It’s easy to go on autopilot in our daily routines, following the familiar course of waking, grooming, meals, work, school, chores, homework, childcare, exercise perhaps, maybe pursuing a hobby or reading a book, Zooming, or just collapsing in front of the TV or computer before bedtime.

As I was sailing on Lake Champlain, gripping the helm, I could feel the tug and pull of water below and wind above. I was acutely aware of how my hands on the wheel controlled the rudder and direction of the boat, how turning it a little too far to left or right would steer us off course. I had to pay attention.

It was not relaxing. And I couldn’t maintain that level of focus for more than twenty minutes on a day when I wanted to just be on vacation. I don’t think it’s realistic for anyone to be fully alert for every waking minute—or even healthy, for that matter. Witness the burnout of our front line workers battling Covid, 24/7, throughout the pandemic, who so desperately need rest and recuperation.

But I do think there is a lot to be said for being more mindful of our actions, how small actions can add up to big ones with significant consequences, for better or worse. For me, and for Jews around the world, today is Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, a time for introspection about the year past and reflection about how to do better going forward.

It’s been a tough year, navigating through the pandemic, which seems endless. I’m setting my sights on trying to be more conscious of the pushes and pulls that can throw me off, the ways words and worries steer and jostle my actions and those whose lives I touch, and how, with a little more care, a little more attention, I can chart a better course—not only for myself, but for others, known and not yet known.

Sail on, Dear Reader, sail strong.

Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com. Please view Privacy Policy here.

Take a Breath

· · Leave a Comment

Monday was the first day I almost forgot to water my bonsai tree since I brought it home in June. I’ve been doing really well tending it. But Monday has been crazy. As I write on Monday afternoon, I have been on hold with U-Haul for the second time today, now for nearly an hour. Finally reached a customer service rep regarding my elder daughter’s truck reservation for her move this week, to adjust some important details that got changed at the last minute, succeeded with one issue, only to be put on hold again for the second issue.

Her job does not allow her the time to be on hold with U-Haul for over an hour—let alone, twice in one day. And August 31-September 1 is a very busy moving day in Massachusetts.

This is ridiculous.

Earlier on Monday, I chaired a detail-laden meeting for our synagogue, reviewing all the minutia for our upcoming Rosh Hashanah services next week, which have required many last-minute adjustments due to the pandemic, wrote up all the minutes, sent them out, updated important information on the synagogue website, and wrote an email for the congregation re same.

Then I ate lunch and realized I’d forgotten about my bonsai. Fortunately, its pebbly soil was still moist, so no harm done. Now it sits happily outside in the humid afternoon, well watered.

Back at my computer, I called U-Haul, for the second time. The first time, this morning, before the synagogue Zoom meeting, took about a half-hour, and confirmed pick-up of the truck. Then I had to finalize drop-off. About an hour into that call, a rep answered and was very helpful. (He was in North Dakota. Told me, even there, they have a shortage of vehicles right now, which is unusual. Thank goodness I reserved the truck earlier this month!) But he needed to hand me off to a second rep. They assure me that someone will be with me as soon as possible. The recording is repeatedly broken up by a ringing phone that no one answers.

I’m good at multi-tasking, and my years as a journalist taught me how to write while noise is blasting in the background. Still, this is both frustrating and annoying, to say the least.

At some point this will get resolved. Hopefully before I have to go to bed. . . .

Okay, finally got a human to speak to—who, of course, has no idea about what the first guy said and has different info than he suggested. (She was in Connecticut.) But at least we have final instructions. I hope.

Watering my bonsai was the one moment of calm all day.

Take a breath.

Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com. Please view Privacy Policy here.

Interlude

· · 1 Comment

Our long weekend in Vermont already seems a long time past, but I have the pictures to prove that we really were there just ten days ago. I’ve never been to Lake Champlain, so we set our sites on Burlington, but also took in the beautiful farmlands and mountains nearby in our travels.

High points of our visit included a sail on the lake (the captain let me take the helm for a while, which is a topic for another post), the Lake Champlain Maritime Museum (where I learned about the very complex history of Benedict Arnold), the Shelburn Museum (yes, that really is a steamboat in the middle of the lawn), Fort Ticonderoga in New York (site of critical Revolutionary War battles), and the Von Trapp Greenhouse and demonstration garden in Waitsfield, Vermont (yes, those Von Trapps). Oh, and the food was truly amazing. Enjoy!

Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com. Please view Privacy Policy here.

Reality Check

· · Leave a Comment

This past week of news about the Delta variant and breakthrough Covid infections for people who are fully vaccinated has caused me to reassess. A study released last week by Israeli scientists about the effectiveness of the Pfizer vaccine indicates that, while it remains a strong shield against severe Covid, it is just 39 percent effective against infections from Delta. The data sample is much smaller than an earlier Israeli study of the vaccine’s effectiveness (which found Pfizer to be 95 percent back in January), but the implications are certainly worrisome.

For the unvaccinated among us, Delta is a true health risk. It is highly contagious, transmitting a thousand times the viral load of earlier variants and has a shorter incubation period. The vast majority of people now hospitalized with Covid in the U.S. are unvaccinated, and infection rates are on the rise again throughout the U.S., particularly in regions where people have been averse to vaccination.

But breakthrough cases worldwide are on the uptick, too. Last week, the Dutch equivalent to our CDC reported that 9 percent of all Covid cases recorded in the Netherlands were among fully vaccinated individuals, and 14 percent of the cases involved people who were partially vaccinated. Note, too, that the fully vaccinated can still transmit the Delta variant without knowing it, if they are asymptomatic, increasing risks to the unvaccinated.

Again, the main vaccines here in the U.S. remain effective against severe Covid, thank goodness. But I have also read of people getting Covid when fully vaccinated who get sick enough to be out for a week, or who lose sense of smell and taste. “Mild” Covid is still no picnic.

All of this leads me to be more cautious, once again. So frustrating, just as we were all just beginning to feel relieved this summer. But I’m back to wearing a mask in stores and avoiding indoor restaurant seating. If we make it to a baseball game or other crowded outdoor venue, I’ll be wearing a mask in the stadium, because there will be no way to socially distance from other fans. No airplane trips in my immediate future. If, as is now being discussed, those of us 65 and older are advised to get a booster shot—effectively a third dose of Moderna, for me—I will be first in line.

Like it or not, we’re all in this together. I need to protect myself, my family and friends, and strangers, too. Stay safe out there.

Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com. Please view Privacy Policy here.

Image: Donald Giannatti

Time Warp

· · 2 Comments

Years ago, when our daughters were young, we used to vacation every summer on Block Island, off the Rhode Island coast. Back then, it was still affordable to rent a cottage for a week. The island was quaint, quiet, family friendly, with lovely beaches and nature trails to explore.

Thirty some-odd years later, other than real estate prices, which average in the millions of dollars, and very expensive rentals, the island remains in many ways frozen in time, with much open space still protected by the Nature Conservancy. As you approach on the ferry from Point Judith, the waterfront looks almost exactly as it did on our first arrival, when our eldest was barely three years old.

So it was on Sunday, when the four of us made a day trip to Block Island together for the first time in about ten years. There is something immediately calming as the ferry backs into its dock, to see all the familiar old hotels and the flag gaily waving atop the cupola of the National. We had planned a weekend on the Block last summer, and I’d rented a great house and secured our ferry car reservation, when, of course, the pandemic scuttled all that. While we couldn’t do a weekend this year, at least we could make a full day of it.

I’d originally hoped we could rent bikes to ride around to some of our favorite spots, but that was not to be. I haven’t ridden a bike in decades, and when I tried one out, I could not balance—something to do with inner ear issues that have been plaguing me for several years, now. Mopeds, which we’ve always avoided, turned out to be not the best option, either (we did check them out, but decided to pass).

Instead, we found the most affordable alternative: walking and taking taxis. Our first stop was the town beach, where we ate lunch that we’d brought along, rested, swam (Al never misses an opportunity to jump in the waves), and walked the shore. As my eldest said, it’s just relaxing to lie there and listen to the surf and the friendly chatter, not too crowded, not too boisterous. Just families of all kinds, having a good time.

Then we caught a taxi to what’s known as “the Spit.” This is at the northernmost tip, near the North Light, where ocean currents from either side of the island slap together as waves cross paths, foaming and spuming. It’s a long, challenging walk for me from the parking lot over rocks and sand, but well worth the trek. Along the way, we were treated to a pair of fledgling, fluffy grey sea gulls, peeping to their mother, who kept close watch as they wandered near the dunes, and at least eight seals playing in the surf, popping their long black heads above the water before diving gracefully out of sight. We also harvested handfuls of sea glass.

On our taxi ride back into town, our friendly driver, who came to the island 42 years ago for a visit and decided to stay, slowed down to show us a pair of breeding ospreys. Our very first visit to the island in 1991 occurred in the midst of Hurricane Bob, which passed directly over. Turns out our driver was in charge of one of the evacuation sites during the storm, at the medical center. We had found shelter for the day at the only school on the island. So, we reminisced. Far from scaring us off, the hurricane only endeared us more to this special place. It was on that trip, as well, that I realized I was pregnant with our youngest, and Al and I joked giddily about names for the baby starting with B.

Sitting on the top deck of the eight o’clock ferry back to Point Judith, after a delicious fish dinner, the ritual visit to the Ice Cream Place, and noodling about the shops, we said goodbye to the North Light winking over the Spit as the sky turned dusky. Halfway on the hour’s crossing, just above the slate blue mainland, fireworks sparkled.

Magical, once again, if just for a day, to slip back to simpler times, with my dear ones.

Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com. Please view Privacy Policy here.