Living with Scleroderma

Reflections on the Messy Complexity of Chronicity

hands

Zen and the Art of Saori Weaving

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Back and forth, back and forth, I slide the shuttle that holds the bobbin that’s wound with the thread that creates the weft that fills the warp that blends into fabric I weave by hand, to make up my scarf as I go.

Tonight is my fourth Saori weaving lesson. So far, I’ve learned how to wind my warp (the long, vertical threads that define the width and lengthwise pattern for my scarf), thread one end of the warp through the reed (the metal comb that holds each thread in place, in the order I define), thread the warp tails through the heddle (two rows of wire guides that divide the warp, so one set of alternating threads moves up while the other moves down), wind a bobbin with weft fiber, and pass the weft shuttle horizontally through the warp, shifting the heddle with foot peddles and beating the weft into place. I’ve also learned how to change weft bobbins, how to pick up a second weft color freestyle and how to add “treasures”—slubs of fiber inserted at random for color accents.

It sounds complicated, but it’s actually quite intuitive, once you get the feel of it. And feeling is what Saori weaving is all about.

This modern Japanese weaving method, created by Misao Jo in the late ‘60s, nurtures individual expression and creativity. Saori looms are simpler to thread and manipulate than traditional looms, and they have adaptive attachments to facilitate weavers with disabilities.

Last week, my instructor, Mihoko, added a narrow shelf to my loom so that I could slide my wooden shuttle back and forth without having to hold it—an advantage when my hands get tired. I use a small pair of tweezers that I always carry to manipulate threads in-between the warp. Mihoko helps with knot-tying and other tasks that I find too difficult. The loom is easy to understand, and the parts take little pressure to maneuver. Nothing hurts.

But what I like the most about this new-found art form is the way you can do just about anything with the fibers, within the constraints of interlocking threads. You can leave gaps in the warp or the weft to create an airy pattern. You can interlace new colors and tufts of fiber or cloth or whatever other kind of material you want, so long as the warp is strong enough. You can break a warp thread—by accident or intent—and weave knotted tails of your repaired warp right into the piece.

Mistakes, imperfections—these are what make the fabric personal, unique and fascinating. Accepting and encouraging exploration and individual vision is the art form’s core philosophy. In Saori weaving, flaws don’t exist.

It’s a welcome break from my daily worries about how I’m going to balance my writing and health and all the necessary hard work of building a consulting practice. And a great reminder of the value of taking risks, making mistakes, and staying clear and focused about what’s important.

Tonight, when I pick up where I left off last week, I’m going to shift the weft from dusty roses to slate blues. I’m going to play more with free-style design and whatever else occurs to me in the moment. When I weave, I’m totally focused on what’s right in front of me, figuring it out as I pass the shuttle and shift the heddle. I can only understand the pattern as I make it happen. And I’m doing it with my own two hands.

Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com.

What Did You Do to Your Hands?

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Scene One:
I’m buying a slice of pizza at a luncheonette across from Boston Medical Center before I drive back home from an appointment. As I fumble with my wallet, the middle-aged man behind the counter notices my five bandaged fingers.

“What did you do to yourself?” he asks.

“Oh, I get ulcers,” I say, giving my standard explanation.

“Does that hurt?”

“Sometimes, if they get infected.”

He nods and hands me my change.

 


Scene Two:
I’m taking my first Saori class to learn this fascinating Japanese weaving method that encourages free-form creativity and uses looms that accommodate people with disabilities. The young son of one of my new classmates comes up to greet me. He loves to run around and say a loud Hi to everyone when he’s not weaving wonderful fabric. I shake his hand, and he pulls back. Later, I offer him my hand again. My Raynaud’s has kicked in, and my palm is a mix of indigo and fuchsia from haphazard blood flow. He stares and says No, frowning and shaking his head as he steps away. I believe I’ve frightened him.

*   *   *

June is national Scleroderma Awareness Month. It’s the month for walkathons to raise money for research, ramped-up efforts to publicize scleroderma’s devastating impact and continued lobbying for NIH funding of scleroderma research to find a cure.

All of this is important, focused work. But I wonder. How do you really get anyone to care about one more way that our bodies fail us, unless they have a vested interest? This time of year, there’s a race or walkathon or bike-athon for some disease every weekend, every cause has its own colored ribbon symbol or rubbery message bracelet, and Congress is still gridlocked over cuts in domestic spending. Not to mention that nobody pays attention to anything in front of them any more, just the alternate reality of their smartphone universe.

As part of its awareness campaign this year, the Scleroderma Foundation has developed a social media strategy to encourage patients to share personal stories about scleroderma and to create a video story collage that they plan to send to Washington lawmakers in the fall. I hope it works. For me, the art of storytelling remains the most viable means of building awareness, a primal way we connect as humans. But it requires a willingness to speak up and a willingness to listen. Neither are easy to come by for a disease like scleroderma.

Before I started writing this blog in January, I had a very hard time talking about my disease. In fact, I’ve been silent about it, for the most part, except when sharing with very close friends and family, for the better part of three decades.

When asked that all-too-common question by curious cashiers (the people most likely to ask, it seems)—What did you do to your hands?—or its variants—Did you cut yourself while cooking? Did you prick your fingers with a sewing needle? Did you stick your hand in a lawnmower?—I used to demure and just say I have sores. Now I say I have ulcers, and if I think the person is genuinely interested, I’ll explain I have scleroderma.

Responses range from compassionate concern to flickering interest in freakishness—the latter, I think, veiling the true reaction so powerfully expressed by the young boy I met in my weaving class: my hands look really strange and scary.

This is the hard truth of scleroderma. It’s rare, it defies easy explanations and it’s disfiguring in a way that others find threatening to their own body image and sense of well being.

It’s hard to talk about. It’s hard to draw attention to yourself, or more attention to yourself, and say, hey, I have this weird disease that makes my hands look like claws and my face like a mask and has screwed up my lungs and digestion and God knows what else.

Honestly, I just want to be known for who I am, not for this disease I live with.

But what I’ve come to understand and am coming to embrace is that scleroderma is a part of who I am. There’s no getting around it. I have this fucking disease, and I’m stuck with it for life. Which is why I’ve begun, finally, to write about it, tell my stories and try to make some sense of it all.

I have no awareness agenda. I am aware, however, that it’s important to get past the shame and embarrassment of living with a disfiguring chronic illness and share this journey with others who want to understand. This blog is my medium for that message. And maybe the next time a stranger asks what I did to my hands, I’ll tell them my real story.

Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com.

Waking Up Is Hard to Do

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It takes me a long time to get going each morning. No matter when my cell alarm vibrates, I press snooze at least three times before I can fully gain consciousness and know for certain that I am here, in my bed, not hugging a newly planted tree to protect it from a group of strangers who want to rip it out of the soil.

A relief to know I’m not stuck in those early morning dreams. But then there’s the matter of getting up. My body is always stiff, my hands often a bit swollen and my mind is sluggish. In winter, as steam heat slowly rises in our radiators, all I want to do is lie there under the blankets and stay warm.

The first step is, literally, always the hardest. I know my joints will feel better once I start moving, so I roll myself up to sit on the side of the bed, let my normally low blood pressure adjust, then push up onto my feet. This entire process, from first alarm to standing upright, takes about a half-hour. I just have to plan it into my schedule.

Some of this morning sluggishness is due to my scleroderma—unless there’s some kind of emergency and my adrenaline blasts me out of bed, I simply cannot accelerate quickly from zero to even 30 mph.

Some of it also has to do with not getting quite enough sleep. I know I should get to bed earlier, but I’m hooked on the Daily Show and Colbert Report to have a good laugh before turning in. If I were wiser, I’d watch the night’s episode online the following evening. But it’s not the same, and, besides, I prefer bandaging my finger ulcers, a 20-minute process, while watching. It’s become my evening ritual.

Even when both shows are in reruns for yet another vacation hiatus, I’ll find a different reason to stay up too late, like finishing the Sunday Times crossword or watching episodes from the first season of Mad Men.

But mostly, my slow morning trajectory just is. When I used to commute every day to Boston, often an hour-and-a-half drive in morning rush hour, it was extraordinarily hard to get up early enough to beat the traffic.

Now, working for myself and being able to set my own schedule, I have more flexibility. It’s a mixed blessing—the feast-or-famine stress cycle of finding clients for my marketing consulting is offset by the freedom of knowing I can get a few more minutes’ rest in the morning if my body just isn’t ready to move. I set appointments for late morning and early afternoon to maximize my attention and alertness, and work after dinner, as needed, to put in a very full day.

Which is why I stay up until midnight to let my brain unwind, and why I have trouble getting up in the morning. Recently I read an essay by William Zinsser, one of my writing heroes, describing how he used to get to his office at the New York Herald Tribune around 10 o’clock each morning. It made me feel better. At least I’m in good company.

Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com.

Stream of Consciousness

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It’s after 1:00 a.m. and I can’t sleep. One of my ulcers, that stubborn one near the tip of my middle left finger, won’t stop smarting. I try shifting positions, rubbing my hand, warming it under the pillow. Sometimes the pain is caused by a Raynaud’s spasm and eases as soon as my blood flows more freely.

But not tonight. I have to get up and redo the bandage. I don’t want to. It’s chilly in our bedroom, because I’m a fresh air freak and left the window cracked and it’s windy outside. But the ulcer stings and I can’t sleep. So I pull myself out of bed, grab all my hand stuff (bandages, Aquaphor ointment, Sorbsan dressing, cotton swabs, manicure scissors) and go into the bathroom so as not to wake Al (even though an overhead thunderbolt won’t disturb his slumber), turn on the light, cut off my bandage and redo the dressing.

This works, thank goodness. I must not have used enough Aquaphor the first time to salve the sore. Or maybe I didn’t cover the ulcer with a large enough piece of Sorbsan, an ecru-colored, felted material made of processed seaweed that binds with the ointment to create a gel-like cushion of protection. Or maybe it was the cheap CVS fabric bandages I use at night, which have some kind of waterproof coating that can irritate on occasion. I’m using my good, soft Coverlet bandages for this round. Not worth the night-time rationing routine.

So I go back to bed, snuggle under my blankets. And am wide awake.

Maybe it’s because I had to get up, even though my ulcer has finally quieted down. Or maybe it’s because I was writing well into the evening, eight hours of solid composing at the computer, working against a deadline to finish a client’s web content. Too much light from the computer screen before bedtime can affect your ability to sleep, I’ve read.

Maybe all that typing is why my finger was irritated in the first place. Except I don’t use it to type. I’ve become a master at touch-typing with only the fingers that can stand the pressure—and since I use a Mac wireless chiclet keyboard, the pressure is very light.

Maybe it’s because I’ve been immersed in words all day. When I write, I slide into a zone where an hour or two will disappear as the words fly from my mind, through my fingers to the keys onto the screen, and I won’t know what time it is. Even when I’m finished writing, the words whirl in my head, narrating story lines, fantasies, worries, what I have to do tomorrow, what I forgot to do today.

I lie in bed and the words swirl and swirl, until I remind myself that everything I’m thinking about will still be there in the morning when I wake up. I pour all the words into a large square box—this one is sea-foam green—close the lid, lock it and put it on a high shelf in the back of my mind where I know I can access it tomorrow.

Usually this works. Sometimes it doesn’t. Tonight, with God’s grace, it does, and I fall asleep. In the early morning, when my dreams are so sharp that I’m certain they’re real, I’m convinced I’ve been awake all night.

The sun shines through our bedroom shades, then slips behind a cloud. Wind puffs the curtains of the one cracked window. Half an hour after my cell alarm vibrates, I realize that I did sleep, for six hours, after all.

Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com.

String Theory

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I hate packaging. Especially shrink-wrapped anything. And pens or toothbrushes locked between a clear plastic bubble and cardboard backing. And those plastic boxes for mixed salad greens with cellophane edging and corner grips you have to pry open with a knife. And plastic cereal freshness bags that are sealed so tight you have to cut them with scissors, which makes it impossible to roll them up to keep the cereal crisp.

Just about everything we buy, with the possible exception of fresh produce, is so swaddled in plastic, cardboard and styrofoam that it requires major surgery to open the container. At least, that’s how it feels every time I struggle with scissors, box cutters, tweezers, knives and whatever other implement I can find to perform the operation. Often, I end up using my teeth—not good, I know, but since I lack useable fingertips, it’s the next best thing.

Of course, all this excessive packaging is not only bad for my hands (and teeth) in my postage stamp corner of the world. It’s also bad for the planet.

We do our part to recycle, buy recycled products and favor recycled packaging. We use cloth bags for groceries and say no-thanks to bags for items we can carry in our hands. I helped start our city’s comprehensive recycling program about twenty years ago. But recycling isn’t enough. We need to rethink our obsession with packaging and cut the excess.

I could be wrong, but it seems to me that packaging overkill started with the 1982 Tylenol scare in Chicago. When several people were poisoned by cyanide-laced Extra Strength Tylenol capsules, the manufacturer yanked 31 million bottles off the shelves, re-engineered their pain-killer to create tamper-proof caplets and created triple-sealed safety containers to regain market share.

It was certainly understandable at the time. But since then, everything seems to be double- or triple-sealed, whether necessary or not. Do we really need the tamper-proof cellophane seal around the neck of our over-the-counter pill bottles plus the peel-off seal over the bottle mouth (that shreds and sticks to the bottle’s lip when you try to peel it)? Or plastic wrap around each pair of rolls inside a plastic-shrouded eight-pack of toilet paper? Or shrink-wrapped index cards?

In a world where “see something, say something” announcements are the white noise of public spaces, ensuring that anything we ingest is safely packaged is a necessary paranoia. Someone did inject cyanide in those Tylenol capsules. Evil abounds.

But there’s tamper-proofing medicine and then there’s sealing something benign with so many layers of cardboard, glue, tape and plastic that you need a hacksaw to release the contents.

My dad was a master of this technique. Whenever I’d get a package from him in the mail, it would be hermetically sealed with clear plastic tape, packed with styrofoam peanuts, the buried goods wrapped in a taped plastic bag. There was always something very neat and orderly about his packages, the corners perfectly folded, the tape squared. Next to impossible to open, but a work of super-secure packaging art.

Perhaps, in this war-on-terror world, that’s what we’re seeking with all the pristine shrink-wrapped tissue boxes and triple-sealed moisturizer—reassurance that everything is nice and neat and safe. Nothing to worry about if your toilet paper is double-protected from the elements until you’re ready to use it.

Except, of course, that all that plastic ends up in landfills, and we’re running out of room.

Whatever happened to string? I can’t remember the last time I went into a bakery and left with a cardboard box of goodies tied with a white string bow, instead of sealed in a clear plastic, crush-proof clamshell. You could smell the cookies or pastries through the box, which made the trip all the more enticing. When you got home, you’d untie the bow and save the string in your kitchen junk drawer for another package, or tie it to the end of your white string ball.

Today, decorative mask string-holders, the kind that used to hang on the kitchen wall, the string’s tail dangling through the mask’s open mouth for easy access, sell for thousands of dollars as collector’s items. We’d do better to invest in R&D for safe, efficient, reduced-waste packaging, and start collecting string.

Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com.