Living with Scleroderma

Reflections on the Messy Complexity of Chronicity

mindfulness

And Then the Clouds Lifted

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Sunday was my 67th birthday—or, as my eldest put it, the 33rd anniversary of my 34th. Sixty-seven doesn’t seem old anymore. While my body certainly doesn’t work as well as it once did, pre-scleroderma, and my memory is no longer as sharp, I don’t feel old. Wiser, I hope. Seasoned, certainly.

To celebrate that milestone, and the fact that both Al and I are now fully immunized against Covid (at least the original version), we spent the weekend in the White Mountains of New Hampshire. Decades ago, when we were first married, and later when our daughters were very young, we used to camp there for our summer vacation. I haven’t been back, since.

My inspiration for the trip was to see the stars from the Kancamangus Highway, which runs through the White Mountain National Forest. There are no interfering lights at night, and I can still recall the spectacular view from a visit more than 30 years ago. The weather, however, had other plans. It remained overcast throughout our trip, the sun finally breaking through on Sunday afternoon as we drove home.

But the day’s diffuse light cast its own spell, subtly revealing details otherwise missed. From Laconia’s lake shores to the Lincoln Trailhead in the White Mountain National Forest, from the Cog Rail part-way up Mount Washington to the Basin off the Franconia Notch Parkway, we immersed in rejuvenating beauty. As I reconciled myself to a birthday mountainside view shrouded in mist, the clouds suddenly lifted and we could see 80 miles. The perfect gift, and metaphor, after a long, long year.

Enjoy . . .

Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com. Please view Privacy Policy here.

Unfurling

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This past weekend, pastels proliferated. The temperature soared to mid 70s F, and Nature saluted with pink cherry blossoms and lemony forsythias, lavender violets and purple hyacinths. Within a few hours, nascent, chartreuse leaves unfurled to greet the sun. Glorious.

I’ve always loved spring in New England, when it finally arrives. Even as temperatures stutter for a few weeks in April, sometimes into May, the longer daylight hours and luminous garden palette lift my spirits. Watching the tree canopy expand each day never ceases to fascinate. Even the yellow pollen that will soon dust car windshields is a reminder of renewal.

All the more so as we emerge from Covid, step by cautious step. With vaccinations increasing every day here in the U.S., I’m beginning to feel my optimism reviving, too.

I got a real boost last Tuesday, the day I was fully immunized, when I finally got my hair cut again after a four month hiatus waiting to be vaccinated. It had definitely gone wild. Every morning, when I looked in the mirror, I was reminded of Albert Einstein. But given that my hair was longer than it’s been in decades, I decided to ask my stylist to shape it a bit fuller this time. After all, might as well make the most of it.

She did. I was so happy when I left the salon, I felt like a new woman. That mood carried me for the rest of the week and still lingers. Carpe diem.

Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com. Please view Privacy Policy here.

Aftermath

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One week past my second vaccination dose, one week to go until my COVID-19 immune response is full bore. Here’s how it went:

Getting the shot was a breeze. I found parking right away, not always guaranteed at Boston Medical, and there was no crowd at the clinic. A trainee was working with the nurse who administered my shot, and she engaged me in conversation, so I didn’t even realize I’d received the jab. My nurse recommended taking a photo of my CDC vaccination card and storing it in a safe place as documentation. I overheard another patient saying she planned to get hers laminated, which I thought was a good idea. Everyone was upbeat and wished me well. Very professional.

I drove home without a problem, ate some lunch and even did a little work at my computer. Then, the fatigue fog rolled in, not on “little cat feet” à la Carl Sandburg, more like a herd of elephants. I shut off my iMac, went upstairs, lay down in bed, and binge-watched Downton Abbey for much of the rest of the day. And I slept.

By Wednesday, my joints were flaring. No fever, and I was able to get a few hours of work done. But sitting at the computer became impossible by early afternoon. And my morning energy dissipated like mist. Fortunately, I had cleared my calendar in anticipation of a reaction. Back to bed and more Downton. It has been decades since I’ve spent that much time in bed watching TV because I wasn’t feeling well.

Throughout the day, family and friends kindly checked in to see how I was faring. By evening, about 30 hours after I’d received my dose, I felt the aches and fog lifting. I had done my best to keep hydrating, as the nurse had recommended, so I’m sure it helped some, but I also know my body well, and it always takes time for my system to clear. Just a waiting game.

I slept well again. On Thursday morning, I felt like myself, although I noticed that my left arm felt warm. When I checked in the mirror, I had a huge rash that stretched from where I got the shot to a few inches above my elbow. A little online research turned up a new term, “Covid arm.” This is a non-serious reaction to the shot, more common with Moderna, that can occur up to a week later, on average. Mine was only very mildly itchy and responded well to cortisone cream. I also took a Benadryl tablet that evening, which may or may not have had an effect.

Five days later, the rash is almost gone. I’m looking forward to next Tuesday, when I’m fully immunized. Months ago, when the Covid variants surfaced, I rescheduled my haircut to wait until I was fully vaccinated. Thanks to serendipity, I picked next Tuesday. Taming my four-month-long mop will be a great way to celebrate.

Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com. Please view Privacy Policy here.

Image: Chris Barbalis

Prepping

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Today I get my second Moderna dose. On Monday, I tried to remember to keep drinking fluids, which is supposed to ease side effects. We shall see.

I’ve also been prepping for the aftermath. Friends and family who’ve had the Moderna vaccine report a whole range of reactions, from some arm pain to brain fog to extreme fatigue to headaches to fever, lasting a day or so. I’ve cleared my calendar for Wednesday, hoping for the best but leaving space and time to deal with a stronger reaction. After my first dose, I was very tired for several hours after I drove home from Boston. We shall see.

Then there’s Passover prep. The first seder is Saturday night this year, and there’s still a lot to do between now and then. We’ve started our house cleaning, shopped for dry goods and dairy foods, and planned menus for the week of Passover. Al will finish the bulk of the cleaning this week and the rest of the shopping for perishables, but I still have client work pending and other to-dos to complete.

I’ve revised the Haggadah that I wrote last year, and we’re getting organized to have a Zoom mini seder with family on the first night. But there is still more cleaning and all the cooking to do. So I’m hoping that my second dose won’t throw a monkey wrench into the works. We shall see.

How is this week before Passover different from all other weeks before Passover? We shall see.

Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com. Please view Privacy Policy here.

Image: Aron Visuals

Brain Fog

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I forgot to write my blog for Tuesday morning. Completely slipped my mind on Monday, my usual blog-writing time, because I didn’t write it down in my Monday To-Do list. Usually, I organize myself in my bullet journal with a task list for the week, which I then break down for each day. But I’ve been busy with a lot of deadlines hitting at once, and I didn’t do the weekly task list, so I didn’t remember to write my blog.

Which is why, if you’re used to seeing this pop up in your in-box on Tuesday, it wasn’t there. Easy enough to “write it off” to aging, of course. But I had an interesting conversation with my Boston Medical rheumatologist on Tuesday that made me wonder. I was telling him how I feel that my memory just isn’t the same (this was before I realized I hadn’t written my blog, which gave me today’s theme . . . ).

Word-finding when I’m stressed has been hard ever since I hit menopause years ago, so I’m used to that. And we all know what it’s like to go into a room to get something and forget what it was. But now I’m finding that I can think of something I want to do and go to write it down (to remember), but the actual act of writing it makes the idea vanish for seconds or even minutes, sometimes. This is not only frustrating, but for someone who writes for a living and for my art, it’s upsetting. Fortunately, when I am thinking at the keyboard, the words continue to flow easily onto the screen.

Long-term memories are also getting harder to retrieve. Some of this is age, of course. But my maternal grandmother used to tell me stories from her twenties that were vivid with details. I had the same capacity for years, but now it just seems harder to recall long-ago details.

My rheumatologist tells me that brain fog is common with autoimmune disease. In the forty years I’ve had scleroderma, I never knew this. (Or if I did, I forgot!) Some of this has to do, in my case, with how my circulatory system is just not as efficient as it used to be due to the disease, so my brain isn’t as well-profused by blood. I also have Sjögren’s Syndrome as a secondary diagnosis, which causes dryness in my eyes, nose, and mouth, and apparently can also cause brain fog.

I haven’t changed medications in quite a while, other than eliminating a few that weren’t really helping me and cost way too much under Medicare. So this isn’t a reaction to drugs.

What to do? It comes back to the basics: get enough sleep, eat a balanced diet with foods high in omega-3 fatty acids and antioxidents, and exercise. I’m pretty good at the first two, and really need to improve at the latter. Over this past week, I barely got outside because of the cold. So on Tuesday afternoon, after my telemed call with my rheumatologist, I took a brisk walk.

A few hours later, when I finally wrote up my week’s To-Do’s, I remembered that I hadn’t written my blog. So, here I am, a day late. But at least I got here.

Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com. Please view Privacy Policy here.

Image: Phillip Belena