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Reflections on the Messy Complexity of Chronicity

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The Poppies Grow

Evelyn Herwitz · November 13, 2018 · 6 Comments

Sunday dawned sunny and brisk here, one of those sharp-shadowed November days when the light accentuates every ridge of bark and edge of brick like a finely detailed etching. I bundled up in multiple layers and headed downtown for our city’s annual Veteran’s Day parade, not out of habit, but because this was no ordinary November 11. It marked the 100th anniversary of the end of World War I, and I wanted to be present.

For the past few years years, I have been working on a novel set in the Great War, in 1915, and my research has given me a deep respect for the tremendous sacrifices made during that horrific conflagration, as well as for the ways in which the Treaty of Versailles that redrew post-war boundaries on three continents shaped so many of the geopolitical conflicts that we face today.

Four summers ago, Al and I traveled to Europe so that I could gain a stronger sense of place for my novel. We walked overgrown trenches, witnessed corroded but still live munitions that continue to emerge from Belgian soil (the so-called Iron Harvest), paid respects to row upon row of white grave markers in military cemeteries, discovered delicate red-orange poppies waving in Flanders Fields. They flourish in old battlefields because they favor earth that has been disturbed.

And the earth was disturbed, shredded, pounded to a muddy, barren pulp. Millions upon millions died defending, gaining, losing, regaining mere yards of turf between the trenches. In the end, the so-called peace treaty for the War to End All Wars imposed such economic hardship on Germany for its aggression that Teutonic desire for revenge set the stage for World War II.

I thought about all this as I watched the bag piper stride beneath an archway made of a huge American flag held up by two opposing fire truck ladders, as a handful of aging Marines in their red jackets and caps passed me carrying the Stars and Stripes, as units of JROTC high school students marched by in uniforms, as police rumbled past on motorcycles. The crowd was thin but respectful. A little girl handed me an American flag to wave. My fingers went numb every time I took a picture, because it was just that kind of chilly New England fall day.

The parade culminated at a memorial to World War I veterans that marks one of the entry points to the city’s downtown. I had passed it many times over the years, but never actually entered—a semi-circular granite wall engraved with the names of battles where Americans died in the War’s last year, surrounding a modest plaza with a flagpole. The mayor spoke of local residents who served and died in the War. He drew parallels between then and now and the divisive, dangerous politics of our times. Other city officials made a few remarks and laid a red-white-and-blue wreath at the flagpole’s base. A soldier read In Flanders Fields by John McCrae.

When we were in Belgium, we visited the site of the field dressing station where Lieutenant Colonel McCrae, a Canadian surgeon, artist and poet, saved soldier’s lives and wrote his famous memorial lines. That is where we found the poppies, still growing. They were wild, scattered amidst the high grass, smaller than I had expected.

McCrae’s poem ends thus: “If ye break faith with us who die | We shall not sleep, though poppies grow | In Flanders Fields.” On this centennial, with so much at risk in the world, I hope and pray that we can remember the somber lessons of World War I, the tremendous sacrifice of life, the hardships and grief and loss, and find our way through this difficult time to true and lasting global trust and cooperation for the betterment of all. Nothing less than the future of our planet hangs in the balance.

Poppies in Flanders Fields, Belgium

Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com. Please view Privacy Policy here.

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Filed Under: Body, Hearing, Mind, Sight, Touch Tagged With: hands, how to stay warm, mindfulness, resilience, travel

Standard Time

Evelyn Herwitz · November 6, 2018 · Leave a Comment

So, we set the clocks back this weekend, and the days feel much shorter—even though the amount of daylight is actually only a few minutes less than it was before. It’s all relative. How you perceive length of days depends on  how the rising sun and impending darkness encircle your waking, working, active hours.

Even as I know this, the shift to an earlier sunset always feels claustrophobic. My body has to adjust. The older I get, the less I’m convinced that switching the clocks is really necessary. It’s an artificial imposition on nature’s true rhythms.

But this is just howling at the moon. I try to remind myself that our reversion to standard time also means that in a few weeks we will arrive at the winter solstice, and the days will grow longer, once again.

The earth spins, the pendulum swings, the tides ebb and flow. Election Day has finally arrived, and tomorrow, whatever the outcome, the sun will still rise and set. I try to remind myself that the longest nights eventually give way to more daylight. I try to remind myself that change is the only constant.

Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com. Please view Privacy Policy here.

Image: United States seen from orbit photo by NASA

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Filed Under: Body, Mind, Sight Tagged With: body-mind balance, mindfulness, resilience

What I Want

Evelyn Herwitz · October 30, 2018 · 4 Comments

I want to write something positive, but I’m having a hard time. The events of the past week and weekend are weighing heavily on my mind, and to pretend otherwise would be disingenuous.

Back in the ’70s, when I was in graduate school at Carnegie-Mellon in Pittsburgh, I lived in Squirrel Hill. I was not involved in Jewish life at that time, but I remember the community fondly, as an intimate, comfortable urban neighborhood where I felt safe walking any time of day or night. I received my master’s degree in public management and policy analysis from what is now the Heinz College at CMU, at a graduation ceremony in a synagogue near the university—not the site of Saturday’s massacre, but a few blocks from there.

It is heartbreaking to comprehend what happened at the Tree of Life Congregation Synagogue on Shabbat. Just as it’s terrifying to comprehend that a dozen-plus pipe bombs were sent to critics of the president last week. Thank goodness the bombs never exploded and that the alleged bomber was quickly apprehended. So much violence that the fatal Kentucky shooting last Wednesday of two people of color by a white man who had been unable to enter, and presumably attack, a nearby, predominantly black church was barely noted by the national media

I could tie these events and so much other bad news (climate change, anyone?) thematically to the issue of stress and how it affects health, so that I could relate it more directly to the focus of this blog. But what’s happening to us in America today is about much more than that. So much that I have taken for granted about our democracy feels like it is unravelling. It seems as if we have reached some monstrous tipping point, and that more blood will be shed before we get through these dark times.

I try to remind myself that I grew up in the ’60s, when there were riots in the streets, we practiced duck-and-cover in grade school against the threat of nuclear attack, the Vietnam War was raging, and political leaders were assassinated. Our nation survived all that. Somehow, we have to get through this, too.

I want to live in a country that champions empathy over narcissism, that respects the rights of individuals without shredding civility, that prizes heart over hate. I want fair and free elections. I want the voices of calm and reason and hope to prevail over the voices of anger and fear and divisiveness.

I have to believe we are all better than this. As of this writing, a group of Muslim Americans has raised more than $130,000 to help Jewish victims of the Pittsburgh synagogue massacre. This is the true spirit of America. This is the America we need to cherish and support and strengthen.

Election Day is one week from today. Please. Vote. The health and future of our democracy depends on us all.

Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com. Please view Privacy Policy here.

Image Credit: Zoran Kokanovic

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Filed Under: Body, Hearing, Mind, Sight Tagged With: body-mind balance, managing chronic disease, resilience, stress

Refreshment Break

Evelyn Herwitz · October 16, 2018 · 2 Comments

I made myself take a walk Monday afternoon. It was short, just around the block, but I got outside. It feels like fall, now, damp, chilly, and I need to get acclimated to the change in seasons. I’m back in sweaters and warm pants and thick socks, my long coat, hat. I wore mittens over the weekend.

It’s all too easy to make excuses to myself to stay inside when the weather turns. It’s too overcast. It might rain. It looks dreary. I don’t want my fingers and face to get numb.

So my short walk was a good reality check, as well as a much needed breath of fresh air. Even as it was overcast and had been pouring earlier in the day, the rain held off. The air smelled sweet with the tang of humus. My joints limbered up. My mind brightened from a jolt of oxygenated blood.

It was also good to see the neighborhood beyond my computer screen. Trees are turning late this season in Massachusetts, due to a warmer-than-normal summer and early fall. Usually we’re at peak foliage right around Columbus Day weekend, but this year green still predominates. Only the sugar maples, so far, have begun to flame and shed their leaves.

Pumpkins, plastic tombstones, skeletons and fake cobwebs decorate a few neighbor’s lawns, but the Halloween craze of a few years back seems to have ebbed. That’s fine with me. More than ghosts and goblins, there are quite a few red, white and blue signs promoting political candidates for the upcoming November election. That’s fine with me, too.

A new neighbor’s house has been repainted; that neighbor’s repairs are complete; another’s is in progress, with boards hammered over the front door. Al decorated our front steps with mums, pumpkins, gourds and cornstalks over the weekend, and I’m pleased with the result as I walk up our drive.

Back inside, I realize my fingers and lips have gone slightly numb. But it’s warm in the house, and I feel refreshed. Worth repeating.

Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com. Please view Privacy Policy here.

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Filed Under: Body, Mind, Sight, Smell, Touch Tagged With: body-mind balance, how to stay warm, managing chronic disease, Raynaud's, resilience

Progress Report

Evelyn Herwitz · October 2, 2018 · 4 Comments

A year ago today, I was two weeks away from my second hand surgery to repair damage from severe ulcers in five fingers—damage that had exposed bone and broken two of my knuckles. My left index and right pinky were held together by steel pins, and I didn’t know if I would lose them in the next procedure. My hand surgeon felt that skin grafts were worth trying, but we didn’t know if they would heal properly. He had warned me at the outset that these were the first of many surgeries.

What a difference a year makes! I’ve been extremely fortunate. A gifted surgeon, excellent wound care and 60 dives in a hyperbaric oxygen chamber, plus effective occupational therapy sessions (and health insurance to cover it all), combined with a lot of support from family and friends enabled me to heal.

And I am cooking again. Al had picked up the slack in the kitchen for well over a year, ever since the ulcers became too painful for me to handle any utensils. He cooked up some great meals and discovered that he really enjoyed experimenting with new recipes. I was grateful for all that good and healthy food.

But a part of me missed cooking. It’s never been a major focus in my life. I don’t spend hours pouring over cookbooks and savoring the thought of new recipes. However, I do like making a good meal, especially for the holidays. It’s exhausting, but satisfying to turn out a gourmet, multi-course dinner. It gives me pleasure to prepare food that brings others enjoyment.

At some point over the summer, I began baking bread again for our Friday night Shabbat dinners. Al had gotten quite good at this, and he was deservedly proud of his delicious braided loaves, but he was happy to have me pick it up again. I also was able to help clean up after meals, which had been impossible with the ulcers and ensuing surgery.

The Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashanah, arrived just a few days after we came home from Europe last month. I knew it would be too much to have a big crowd, so we just invited a few close family members for the first night. But, to my and Al’s surprise, I was able to do most of the cooking myself. He served as sous chef, cutting vegetables. Even still, I was able to handle the chef’s knife and do a lot of prep myself. Everyone enjoyed the meal, and I felt like I had crossed the finish line.

I have been doing most of the cooking ever since, although I still have to be careful. I developed an ulcer in one of my skin grafts shortly after we returned from our trip, but I think this was actually caused by some calcinosis lurking just under the surface. It is gradually healing. Al is enjoying a well-earned reprieve, although I recruit him for help as needed.

Mostly, I’m amazed and extremely grateful that I can actually do so much with my hands again. It’s taken all this time to relearn how to use them, and I certainly have my limits. But it’s wonderful to see that, despite all the challenges, my body can truly heal.

Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com. Please view Privacy Policy here.

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Filed Under: Body, Mind, Sight, Smell, Taste, Touch Tagged With: body-mind balance, calcinosis, finger ulcers, hand surgery, hands, managing chronic disease, resilience

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About the Writer

When not writing about living fully with chronic health challenges, Evelyn Herwitz helps her marketing clients tell great stories about their good works. She would love to win a MacArthur grant and write fiction all day. Read More…

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I am not a doctor . . .

. . . and don’t play one on TV. While I strive for accuracy based on my 40-plus years of living with scleroderma, none of what I write should be taken as medical advice for your specific condition.

Scleroderma manifests uniquely in each individual. Please seek expert medical care. You’ll find websites with links to medical professionals in Resources.

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