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Reflections on the Messy Complexity of Chronicity

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Flimsy by Design

Evelyn Herwitz · October 18, 2016 · 1 Comment

The sugar maples in our neighborhood have finally burst into flaming colors. They’re about a week behind schedule this year, slower to change due to warmer than normal temperatures.

Their brightness surprises, given the mild winter and dry summer. We’ve been at a Stage 3 Drought Emergency here in Central Massachusetts since early September, meaning no outdoor water use. Our reservoirs are at nearly half-capacity, and the city is buying water from Boston’s reservoir network to make up the difference.

img_2443But the trees have adjusted. Across the street from our home, our neighbor’s sugar maple has turned a brilliant gold. Others are bright orange, crimson, or my favorite—a mix of all three. We’ve been graced with another mild week, just right for taking a walk, scuffling through freshly fallen leaves, or sitting in our sukkah.

Our sukkah is a flimsy structure by design, with a bare wooden frame, sheets for walls and pine boughs for a roof, through which you can see the stars at night. During the weeklong Festival of Sukkot, which follows shortly after Yom Kippur, we eat our meals in the sukkah. In years past, when the girls were young, there was always a night when they’d sleep under the pine boughs with Al. (Too hard on my joints, and often too cold, to join them.)

I love to sit in our sukkah. The pine smells so lovely, like the middle of a forest, and the gourds we hang add a splash of fall colors and whimsy. There is something oddly reassuring about the sukkah’s flimsiness—a reminder that change, transition, temporality are the ultimate constants in life, that possessions don’t really matter all that much. Rather, what counts are the people we love who share our space, and the creative life force—for me, God—that nurtures and sustains us.   

I always find it fitting that Sukkot falls when the trees are turning in New England. How amazing that the transition from season to season, from vivid green to bare branches, is so stunningly beautiful. The leaves don’t simply shrivel up and drop to the ground as crumbled dust. They go out in a blaze of glory.

The prospect of change is so often frightening. What will we lose? How will we survive? Why must we give up the comfort of the familiar? Sitting in my sukkah, I try to remind myself that the only reality is the present moment, security is a state of mind, and transitions are opportunities to learn something new. However uncertain and troubling the future may seem today, I have the capacity to respond and adapt on my own terms.

And, oh, yes, change can be surprisingly beautiful, if you know where to look.

Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com.

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Filed Under: Body, Mind, Sight, Smell Tagged With: body-mind balance, mindfulness, resilience

Mending

Evelyn Herwitz · October 11, 2016 · Leave a Comment

My grandmother Elli was an expert seamstress. She learned from her father, a Berlin fashion designer during the 1920s. When she came to visit us in the spring, she would help me make doll clothes. One particularly striking outfit was a black-and-white houndstooth check dress with hand-sewn, red rickrack. My dolls were quite stylish. When I sewed my own senior prom dress, Elli was there to teach me how to insert a prick-stitch zipper. The dress no longer fits, but it still hangs in the back of my closet.

img_2440When Elli died, I inherited her huge, multi-tiered wooden sewing box, which included, among other treasures, tin boxes full of buttons. Over the years, I accumulated my own stash, a source of delight for my daughters as I worked on sewing projects at the dining room table. Buttons would become tiny plates and food, matching and counting games.

The sewing box is battered, now, sitting in our basement family room. But it still contains  wonderful traces of my grandmother—spools of silk thread that must be at least a century old, tiny cardboard tubes wrapped with various dark shades of darning thread for mending socks, black hooks-and-eyes sewn to a card.

I never learned how to darn, and I can no longer sew on buttons by hand without great difficulty—too hard to hold the button in place and manipulate the needle and thread. So I delegate that task. But I like to repair clothes. It’s a way of conserving resources and fighting back against our throw-away economy. I tackle any mending project with my trusty Viking Husqvarna sewing machine, which I purchased about thirty years ago and has never failed me.

The other day, my eldest asked if I could mend a favorite sweater that had gotten snagged, causing a seam to unravel. Ideally, it should have been crocheted back together, but that was out of the question. I wasn’t sure if I could fix it, but I promised her I’d try.

From decades of sewing, especially when my hands were more nimble, I have accumulated a thread collection that rivals the one I inherited from my grandmother. Sure enough, I had the right maroon thread to match the sweater. I pinned the seam back together, carefully unrolling the edges to align without losing any more knit stitches. I set the machine for a narrow zig-zag, to secure the seam without losing stretch. And I slowly stitched away, forcing the knit fabric toward the feed-dog so the seam wouldn’t sag.

I didn’t know if my method worked until I finished the seam—but it did. The inside edge is not as neat as the original, but the outside looks perfectly fine. One sweater saved. A small victory in a world so far removed from Elli’s day, when mending was not only a practical matter of conserving scarce resources, but also an art form.

At a time when so much seems so easily torn asunder, a worthy pursuit.

Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com.

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Filed Under: Body, Mind, Sight, Touch Tagged With: body-mind balance, finger ulcers, hands, managing chronic disease, mindfulness, resilience

Unplugged

Evelyn Herwitz · October 4, 2016 · Leave a Comment

img_2433I’m writing Sunday morning at the dining room table, snatching a few quiet minutes before I launch into mega-cooking mode. Rosh Hashanah starts this evening, we have family coming for dinner tonight and friends tomorrow. I’ve been spreading out the work over several days to manage my hands and feet and energy, but inevitably, there is a lot to do until the last minute, when our guests arrive.

Then I’m going to unplug. One of my resolutions for the Jewish New Year is to stay offline on the holidays and Shabbat. I have become totally addicted to political news during this crazy, horrible election season, and I need to take a break from all the stress. The past two weekends, I put away my iPhone from Friday sunset to Saturday sunset, and I feel SO MUCH BETTER.

The reality is this: Unless there is a true emergency (a tornado, a flash flood, a fire), you don’t miss anything that important by skipping the news cycle for a day. It is a true relief to spare yourself the bombardment of bombast, hysterical headlines, frenetic Facebook feed and ceaseless flash of ads and images. You begin to realize your time and attention are your own to own. Your shoulders relax and you can concentrate with greater focus on what’s truly important.

So, on to cooking and good company and contemplating what I have to be grateful for in this life and how I could do better by others. To those who celebrate, my best wishes for a sweet, fulfilling and peaceful New Year. And to those of you with different beliefs, I wish you a healthful, stress-free break, however you define it, from whatever may be weighing you down.

Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com.

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Filed Under: Body, Hearing, Mind, Sight, Smell, Taste Tagged With: body-mind balance, hands, managing chronic disease, mindfulness, resilience

Resilience

Evelyn Herwitz · September 27, 2016 · 4 Comments

Eight days after a bomb shook the Chelsea neighborhood of lower Manhattan, I am in NYC on a business trip, staying in a hotel just a few blocks from where the explosion rocked W 23rd Street. You would never know anything had happened.

I arrived here Sunday afternoon, to be fully rested for a long day of meetings on Monday. I was tired from the train ride, but I didn’t want to lose the day, sunny and clear, with a hint of fall in the air. So I took a long walk to visit to the new Whitney Museum and catch the last day of a powerful retrospective exhibit by photographer Danny Lyon. After a lovely dinner, I walked the High Line back up to 23rd and across 5th Avenue to the east side of Manhattan, passing the site of the explosion without even noticing anything unusual.

New Yorkers are hardy folk. It was incredibly reassuring, after all the horrible headlines, to see how life goes on as normal here. People were out walking their dogs, going on dates, hanging out with friends, taking selfies, eating in restaurants, smoking cigarettes, sitting on benches while immersed in deep conversations. Two men sang their hearts out, busking for the High Line crowd. I passed a man sleeping on the sidewalk. Next to his head, someone had placed a bottle of water and a fresh sandwich wrapped in cellophane.

I must have walked at least four miles, down to the museum and back. Any tension I felt when I set out in the afternoon had completely vanished by the time I returned to my room, a little after eight. There is much more to life than what is filtered through the news. So, come along with me and enjoy the view. . . .

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Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com.

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Filed Under: Body, Hearing, Mind, Sight, Taste Tagged With: body-mind balance, managing chronic disease, mindfulness, resilience, travel

Agility Test

Evelyn Herwitz · September 20, 2016 · 6 Comments

It’s getting harder and harder to keep a positive attitude these days. This past weekend’s bombings in NYC and New Jersey, the stabbing in Minnesota, the hateful, cynical rhetoric of this presidential election campaign—I’ve had more than my share of insomnia recently. One day last week I had trouble focusing on my work. I know I need to turn off the news, but I can’t seem to break away from it all. My fight or flight instincts are on overdrive—not a good state of mind, with real potential to impact my health.

img_2383So I was glad for a great diversion on Monday that gave some renewed perspective. I  took the day off from work to drive up to New Hampshire (even as I was listening to updates on the NYC bomber manhunt) for the Bearded Collie Club of America’s National Specialty Agility Trial. A good friend of mine has two beardies—bright, exuberant, long-haired dogs with herding instincts and personality plus—and she is seriously involved in championship competitions.

I’ve never been to a dog competition, let alone one in agility, which involves leading the beardie through a course of hurdles, fabric tunnels, bridges, obstacles and teeter-totters. The rules and scoring are complicated. Preparation requires hours and hours of practice and an ocean of patience. The dogs are very smart and clearly have minds of their own. While they can run with amazing speed and precision, they can also zoom around in circles, run off to the side of the arena to explore, sniff the judge standing in the middle of the course, jump up on hind legs in excitement and bark like crazy.

Such was my friend’s experience when she ran her dog, Mac, through his first event. Despite many perfect practice sessions in recent months, as well as past successes on the ladder to championship ranking, this morning Mac decided to create his own version of the course. He ran this way and that, refused to run the course in order, skipped some of the hurdles, all the while jumping and barking his commentary. A discouraging experience, to say the least.

Plenty of the other dogs did their own thing, too. “How do you get another creature to do what you want?” I mused. “When I figure that one out, I’ll let you know,” quipped my friend. Watching everyone else’s mishaps—even at the national championship level, these dogs are a challenge to control and can be quite comical—we had some good laughs, and she regained her sense of humor and perspective.

And, I’m happy to report, Mac redeemed himself. Later in the afternoon, he ran an event that involved jumping over a lot of hurdles, running over a teeter-totter and threading through a “weaving” obstacle (running back and forth through a row of poles, like a slalom, but on level ground) so perfectly that he took the blue ribbon.

Clearly, we agreed, he could do it if he wanted to. It was all a matter of focus and his emotional reaction to the situation at hand.

It’s no wonder that the dog-trainer relationship is such an intimate partnership. We have so much in common.

On my drive home, as I caught up with the latest political news, I thought about how the narrative we tell ourselves has such an impact on our ability to stay on track and handle life’s many hurdles and obstacles. It’s all so easy to fall prey to the doomsaying that dominates the news media. There are real, substantive reasons for concern and even worry about what’s happening and what will happen next. But the future, by definition, is always an unknown.

We can choose to believe the worst and let our fears run us in circles. Or we can choose to believe that whatever comes, we will confront it with focus, courage and commitment to stay the course of living a life true to our values and all we hold dear.

I’m going to do my best to remember that as Election Day approaches.

Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com.

 

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Filed Under: Body, Hearing, Mind, Sight, Touch Tagged With: body-mind balance, managing chronic disease, mindfulness, resilience

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About the Writer

When not writing about living fully with chronic health challenges, Evelyn Herwitz helps her marketing clients tell great stories about their good works. She would love to win a MacArthur grant and write fiction all day. Read More…

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I am not a doctor . . .

. . . and don’t play one on TV. While I strive for accuracy based on my 40-plus years of living with scleroderma, none of what I write should be taken as medical advice for your specific condition.

Scleroderma manifests uniquely in each individual. Please seek expert medical care. You’ll find websites with links to medical professionals in Resources.

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