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Living with Scleroderma

Reflections on the Messy Complexity of Chronicity

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Going for a Walk

Evelyn Herwitz · May 7, 2013 · 4 Comments

This past Sunday, on a blue-sky spring day, my husband joined more than 300 people whose lives or loved ones have been affected by scleroderma, on a three mile walk to raise awareness and funds for a cure. Sponsored by the New England chapter of the Scleroderma Foundation, this was one of hundreds of walks around the country that are organized each year in communities large and small, providing an important revenue stream for medical research grants.

Paul Klee, "Cat and Bird," 1928, at MoMA
Paul Klee, “Cat and Bird,” 1928, at MoMA

There is, as yet, no known cure for scleroderma, and both the Scleroderma Foundation here in Massachusetts and the Scleroderma Research Foundation in California depend on armies of volunteers nationwide, through events like awareness walks, to help garner support for their fundraising efforts. Each foundation distributes about a million dollars annually for promising research—grants needed more than ever during this time of sequesters and congressional gridlock over federal spending.

Al is much better than I am at this kind of event. I’m always uncomfortable asking for donations. My forte is raising awareness through words. Al, however, is a great fundraiser. Last week he sent out an email to family and friends asking for sponsors, and by Sunday he had collected more than $200. A record number of participants joined the walk, and I was proud of him for being one of them.

While Al was striding for a cure Sunday afternoon, I was trekking through the crowded corridors of Penn Station, on my way to a two-day business meeting. We wrapped up early on Monday afternoon, giving me just enough time for my own private scleroderma pilgrimage. I set out into the crisp spring sunshine, pulling my rolling suitcase down Manhattan sidewalks, through subway stations, across 5th Avenue, along 53rd Street to the Museum of Modern Art, to finally see, in person, the works of Paul Klee.

Paul Klee, "Letter Ghost," 1937
Paul Klee, “Letter Ghost,” 1937

A member of the German Expressionist Blaue Reiter Group a century ago, a distinguished faculty member of the Bauhaus school of art in the 1920’s, Klee created a lyrical mix of abstract forms and hieroglyphics, a “visual vocabulary” inspired by music, nature and poetry in his intricate drawings and paintings. Luminous, whimsical, haunting, his art is a journey into dreamscapes. He once described the act of drawing as “a line going for a walk.” But when the Nazis rose to power, they targeted Klee’s work as degenerate art, and in 1935, he was exiled from Germany to his native Switzerland.

Isolated from his intellectual circle of artists, who included his close friend Wassily Kandinsky, alone with only his wife for emotional support, stonewalled in his efforts to regain his Swiss citizenship, Klee became ill. A strange rash and long bout with pneumonia left him severely weakened. Other symptoms eventually surfaced. The skin on his face began to tighten. He developed difficulties swallowing and digesting. In a meticulously researched account, Paul Klee and His Illness, physician-author Hans Suter deconstructs Klee’s health struggles and concludes that the artist was suffering from diffuse systemic sclerosis.

Miraculously, Klee’s hands were not affected by the disease, and he was determined to continue drawing and painting. Despite fatigue, painfully tightened skin and ongoing problems with his digestion, lungs and heart, he created thousands of works in the five years he battled scleroderma and suffered through the treatments of the day—including, according to Suter, an infusion of olive oil and turpentine, believed to be a beneficial stimulant that would shock the immune system back to normalcy.

Paul Klee, "Intoxication," 1939, at MoMA
Paul Klee, “Intoxication,” 1939, at MoMA

Nothing worked. Klee was focused and courageous in the face of his disease, but he also eventually came to understand and accept that he was dying. His later works are full of dark lines, wistful angels, pain and loneliness, infused with irony and deep, rich color. He died in 1940, at 50 years old, a few days before the local canton government finally took up his citizenship application.

Medical research has come a long way since Paul Klee’s battle with scleroderma. No one believes in olive oil and turpentine infusions anymore, thank goodness. But we still have many steps to walk before a cure is found. As I stood before Klee’s subtly complex paintings, marveling at his detail and textures and many-hued washes, I wondered what more beauty he might have created, had he had the benefit of today’s medicine. I hoped to be as courageous in my own art. And I thought how wonderful it would have been to have walked together.

Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com.

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Filed Under: Body, Mind, Sight, Touch Tagged With: diffuse systemic sclerosis, hands, Hans Suter, managing chronic disease, Paul Klee, resilience

The Random Factor

Evelyn Herwitz · April 30, 2013 · 2 Comments

Every morning, once I’ve worked the kinks out of my joints, made the bed and done some stretching, I wash my hands and sit down with manicure scissors, clippers, nail file, tweezers, ointment, bandages, wound dressing and moisturizer to tend my fingers. I pick and nip any shreds of dead skin, clip nails that have split or splintered at the corners, file away rough skin patches and inspect for signs of inflammation. Then I treat and bandage any open ulcers and slather on moisturizer, rubbing and wringing my hands over and over until the skin no longer feels sticky.

This is how I try to protect myself from the world—all the inevitable bumps, bangs, cuts and bruises, as well as all the nasty germs that could invade my body through cracks in my skin, inflicting pain and havoc.

It takes time, this daily ritual, sometimes five minutes, sometimes a half-hour, depending on what I did with my hands the day before, how well they have healed in moisturizer and white cotton gloves overnight, and the random factor.

In statistics, random factor analysis is used to determine whether an unusual observation—a data outlier—is caused by random events or some underlying trend.

Each morning, as I clip and nip, I perform my own informal random factor analysis: Did I get this ding when I banged my finger on the kitchen chair? Is this soreness on my pinky from tapping too often on my iPhone? Does this nail-bed inflammation stem from forgetting to wash my hands when I got home after running errands and using the germ-covered keypad at CVS without my gloves? (All random events.) Or is the increased number of recent ulcers due to the extremely cold and fluctuating temperatures these past few weeks? (An underlying trend.)

Trends, such as weather patterns, are a bit easier to cope with, once identified. I just need to dress with greater attention to the forecast. More layers. Don’t mothball the down coat or sweaters quite yet. Keep those scarves and wrist-warmers handy.

Random events are the most challenging because, by definition, they’re random. I have no idea that I misjudged the distance between my finger and the back of the kitchen chair as I reach to pick my wallet off the table until I feel the pain. I can’t anticipate an ulcer on my iPhone pinky when for months the finger has been fine and I haven’t changed my frequency of tapping and texting. I don’t always get an infection every time I use a check-out keypad bare-handed, though I’m beginning to douse my hands in antibacterial hand cleaner as soon as I get back in my car, just to be safe.

You could say that I’m constantly adjusting and adapting my protective behavior as I continue to gather more data points.

But random is as random does. You just can’t anticipate all the bad stuff you’re going to run into every day. Or, to be fair, all the good stuff, either.

So my morning ritual is as much a meditation on my state of being as it is a random factor analysis. Here is where my fingers are today. This is how the rough patch of skin feels before and after I file it down. That is an incipient hangnail in need of trimming before it gets worse. Here is how much dead skin I can cut away to sense more through my thumb. That ulcer still needs a bandage. This one looks like it could go without, finally.

Rub, wring, rub, wring. The moisturizer absorbs into my pores, a silky, invisible film to keep my skin flexible and ready for whatever the day may bring. This is how I try to protect myself. This is how I face the world each morning.

Photo Credit: topher76 via Compfight cc

Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com.

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Filed Under: Body, Mind, Sight, Touch Tagged With: body-mind balance, finger ulcers, hands, managing chronic disease, resilience, wound care management

Aftershocks

Evelyn Herwitz · April 23, 2013 · Leave a Comment

The tension has lifted here in Massachusetts. The sun is shining, the sky is blue, the trees are leafing, the forsythias are in bloom. Friends and family in Greater Boston who were locked in their homes all day Friday as FBI and police tracked down the fugitive Marathon bombing suspect have enjoyed a beautiful weekend of freedom. Neil Diamond flew to Boston on his own dime to sing “Sweet Caroline” with cheering Red Sox fans on Saturday afternoon, and our boys beat the Kansas City Royals, 4-3.

b_strong_blueAll weekend we’ve been sharing stories of near misses: friends who spent three hours at the Marathon finish line, right where the first bomb was planted, only to leave five minutes before it detonated to catch the T; friends whose apartment overlooks Boylston Street and felt the blasts; another who discovered his home is a few short blocks from the suspects’ Cambridge apartment pipe-bomb stash; a friend who chose not to run this year, who probably would have been crossing the finish line right at the deadly moment.

Surreal is the only word that describes this past week. It feels like we’ve all been living in a Hollywood disaster movie—except it actually happened. There is a collective sense of relief that it’s over, shared grief for the victims and their families, and pride in how Boston rose to meet this horrible tragedy.

But there is also a heightened sense of vulnerability—so many innocents struck by a random, senseless act of violence. And so many tiny decisions that led one person to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, and another, equally innocent, to stay clear of harm’s way.

The reality, however, is that we’re always vulnerable. Life is full of risks, all the time. The chance of being struck down by a terrorist’s homemade pressure cooker bomb is significantly lower than the chance of being struck by a drunk driver or the chance of being stricken by a debilitating, chronic disease.

We compartmentalize our awareness of most risks, because we live with them every day. As long as we don’t ignore risks completely, but take reasonable precautions, we’re undoubtedly better off, because to focus on what-if’s all the time is to become paranoid and paralyzed.

But living with a chronic illness, whether it’s scleroderma or one of a thousand other diseases, brings a sharper, lingering awareness of vulnerability, because it forces you to face your own mortality sooner than you might otherwise.

If you’re managing your disease well enough, that awareness is more like white noise in the background unless you have a flare-up. When something like this past week’s horrific event occurs, the sense of threat intensifies. It’s not only the fear, What if it had been me? It’s also the fear, How would my chances of survival or escape have been further compromised by my illness?

This is not to minimize, in any way, the real losses suffered by the victims of the blasts and their loved ones. It’s just the nature of aftershocks. If I were stronger and healthier, I probably wouldn’t have been quite as frightened, and I probably would have gotten more sleep this past week.

I have no answers to all the what-if’s. I have no idea what I would have done if I had been there. I’m profoundly grateful that I wasn’t. My thoughts and prayers go to all those who lost lives and limbs, and my thanks, to those who saved so many. I hope it never happens again. I fear that it will.

We live in a dangerous world. All we can do, the only thing we can really control, is our focus—to appreciate fully every moment that we have, and never take our lives, however complicated and challenging, or those we love and who love us, for granted.

Image Credit: Boston Red Sox

Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com.

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Filed Under: Body, Mind Tagged With: awareness, Boston Marathon bombings, managing chronic disease, resilience

Glass Half Full

Evelyn Herwitz · April 16, 2013 · 5 Comments

I finished this post about an hour before news broke of the bombing at the Boston Marathon yesterday. By comparison, it feels trivial. But I share it here, today, nonetheless, because life goes on. My thoughts and prayers are with all those affected by this insane tragedy. Life is precious. We need to cherish what we have, whatever the challenges, and support each other through the struggles.—EH

 *   *   *

Last Thursday I dropped my iPhone in a glass of seltzer. Fortunately, thanks to its sturdy Otterbox case, it didn’t get ruined. Thanks, also, to a good friend who removed the case (not something I can manage very well with clumsy fingers) and zapped a few hidden drops of seltzer with pressurized air, the phone was thoroughly dried before I used it again.

This is only the most recent episode in a recent spate of dropping stuff. Lately, things seem to jump right out of my hands, leaping to freedom before they crash—or plop—as the case may be.

I’ll pick a knife or fork out of the cutlery drawer, only to watch it spring from my fingers and skitter across the floor. Or my toothbrush will fling itself into the sink. Or the cordless phone will take a swan dive.

It’s quite startling. I have yet to figure out what cues I’m missing, but I suspect it’s due to some kind of nerve damage in my fingers from years of Raynaud’s—a dichotomous mix of lost sensation and hypersensitivity to any ulcerations or skin damage. It’s also a matter of the object’s size and weight—small enough to be picked up with one hand, but just heavy enough to require a firm grip—which I don’t really have any more.

My hands don’t believe it. Relying on decades of kinesthetic memory, they grab, reach, scoop, turn and twist without conscious direction. Of course I can hold onto that knife. Of course I can grasp my toothbrush. Of course I can pick up the phone. Even when I can’t.

In a sense, this is related to the phenomenon of the phantom limb—when a part of the body is amputated, but still feels as if it’s attached and functioning as always. Although my fingers and hands have deteriorated over the past 30 years, I often still operate as if they hadn’t changed. Then I reach the wrong way for something and smash a fingertip because I misjudged the distance, relying on kinesthetic memory instead of visual cues. Or I assume I can complete a task in a third of the time it now takes me, despite repeated experience that my hands just don’t function that efficiently. Or I drop stuff that I think I’m holding firmly, overriding feedback from fingers to brain.

So far, thank goodness, I haven’t done any serious damage. I haven’t broken anything valuable, I haven’t hurt anyone or myself and I haven’t lost anything important—at least, as far as I know. I’m more vigilant when picking up things that are fragile. I use my forearms for extra support when carrying heavy objects. I try not to rush tasks that require dexterity.

But it is unnerving. My hands, damaged as they are from scleroderma, have always been my trusted helpers. I don’t want to believe that they—I—simply can’t do for myself as I used to. I’ve accepted my limitations, to a large extent, but at another level, still can’t.

Dysfunctional, perhaps. All the leaping forks, toothbrushes, keys, phones, makeup applicators, pens and other objects craving to demonstrate Newton’s Law of Gravity may well be vying for my attention, willing me to fully acknowledge the reality I’ve been living with for years.

And yet. There’s a balance to be struck, between accepting limitations and not being defined by them. My fingers’ denial of sensory evidence to the contrary, my mind’s denial that I’m less able than I was before, are what keep me from sliding into a depressed, glass-half-empty view of my life and what the future holds.

Like Archimedes in his bathtub, when my iPhone plopped into the seltzer, it raised the fluid level in the glass. Worth noticing. Worth rescuing. Worth figuring out how not to do it again. But otherwise, not worth much more than a laugh and a sigh of relief.

Photo Credit: EssjayNZ via Compfight cc

Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com.

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Filed Under: Body, Mind, Touch Tagged With: finger ulcers, hands, kinesthetic memory, Raynaud's, resilience

Harbingers

Evelyn Herwitz · April 9, 2013 · 9 Comments

I think it’s spring. At least, it’s supposed to be, according to the calendar. But we should fire the groundhog.

This has been one long, cold winter here in Massachusetts. Our lavender crocuses just sprouted last week, but they’re hiding from freezing night temperatures and sharp winds, petals clasped against the cold, praying for the warmth that’s supposed to come with longer daylight hours. When the sun’s rays trickle into their corner of our backyard garden for a few hours in the afternoon, they gape as if astonished, exposing fuzzy stamens the color of flame, welcoming bees.

I’m slowly exposing my hands, too. Spring in New England has always been my toughest season, a tease of warmth to come, but mostly chilly and damp with harsh, sharp breezes that stir the sandy dregs of road salt, stinging eyes of those unwary.

The cycling from cold to warm to cold again exacerbates my Raynaud’s with frequent episodes of icy lavender fingers and numbness, ulcers that sting as if singed, new sores appearing weekly. The sensation is captured precisely by poet Elizabeth Bishop’s description of frigid seawater in At the Fishhouses:

If you should dip your hand in,
your wrist would ache immediately,
your bones would begin to ache and your hand would burn
as if the water were a transmutation of fire
that feeds on stones and burns with a dark gray flame.

Last year at this time, I had nine ulcers and a bout of cellulitis that took several blasts of antibiotics to cure. But no significant ulcers this season, so far. This is quite extraordinary. I’ve been very vigilant since I discovered a few months ago that I could heal my ulcers and reduce the number of ever-present bandages by wearing white cotton gloves and paraffin hand cream at night—this, a serendipitous solution to the fact that my skin started shredding in reaction to bandage adhesive.

Today, I have only my right thumb in a bandage, mainly because a grain of calcium is slowly emerging through a cracked ulcer. That’s it. I’ve been out and about for the past four days with no bandages at all. Truly amazing. I tote my moisturizer and apply it strategically throughout the day, type at my computer using cotton gloves to protect my skin and generally try to pay attention to what I’m doing so as not to cause any collateral damage to my fingers.

Our new heat pumps have helped, too, maintaining a much more even temperature throughout the house than our old steam radiators ever could. I still feel the cold all too readily, but at least I can quickly adjust the heat for the room I’m in and sense warmth within minutes. This, I’m certain, has aided my hands’ miraculous recovery.

So, even as my fingers are in happy denial, I guess it’s fair to assume that spring is on its way, at last. The weather forecast predicts temperatures in the ‘60s and low ‘70s this week. Slender blades of grass tinge lawns green. Buds mist the maples that line our street with the barest hint of chartreuse and crimson. Children’s bikes and basketballs litter front yards. Long-limbed girls from the nearby Catholic high school’s track team run down the street in shorts and tees, gleaming ponytails abounce. As Al rakes away winter’s detritus, the turned earth smells pungent with promise. Time to switch out my snow tires and at least consider bringing my down coat to the cleaner’s. But maybe not ’til April’s end, just to be certain.

Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com.

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Filed Under: Body, Mind, Sight, Smell, Touch Tagged With: calcinosis, finger ulcers, heat pumps, Raynaud's, resilience, spring, white cotton gloves

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About the Writer

When not writing about living fully with chronic health challenges, Evelyn Herwitz helps her marketing clients tell great stories about their good works. She would love to win a MacArthur grant and write fiction all day. Read More…

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Recent Posts

  • Gutsy
  • What Happened to Your Hands?
  • Drips and Drops
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I am not a doctor . . .

. . . and don’t play one on TV. While I strive for accuracy based on my 40-plus years of living with scleroderma, none of what I write should be taken as medical advice for your specific condition.

Scleroderma manifests uniquely in each individual. Please seek expert medical care. You’ll find websites with links to medical professionals in Resources.

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