Living with Scleroderma

Reflections on the Messy Complexity of Chronicity

body-mind balance

In Transition

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Dare I say it? Finally, spring has arrived. “I thought it would never get here,” one of my neighbors remarked as I walked by his house Sunday afternoon. I commiserated.

Despite last week’s snow (yes, snow), a few tulips, daffodils and hyacinths adorn gardens along my route. In our own shaded rock garden, cheerful miniature daffodils greet me as I enter the back door to our kitchen. Buds on our Callery Pear are swelling, and there is a reddish mist on the maples down the street.

Best of all, I am starting to shed my warm layers. I even walked with my coat open on Sunday. Without gloves. Miraculous.

In a burst of my own creative energy, I decided to start a new sewing project. I haven’t considered anything that hand intensive for about a year, now. The project is a light-weight, unstructured coat for transitional weather. I found it online, a pattern you download and print. It took me a few hours after I returned from my walk to piece together the tiled segments, then cut out each piece and mark with sewing construction notes.

On Monday, a few fabric swatches I’d ordered arrived in the mail. They are luscious, lovely wool tweeds, but I’m not yet certain if there will be enough yardage available for the coat (end of season bolts). So I will keep looking.

What pleased me the most, so far, is that the process of assembling the pattern pieces—aligning and cutting and taping—was both manageable and fun. No hand problems or pain. I know this is going to take some time to finish. I hope it won’t be fall before I’m done. But that’s the beauty of sewing a coat for transitional seasons; even if it takes me all summer to complete, I’ll be able to wear it when I’m finished.

As with everything I do now, I have to refigure how to use my hands post-surgery. Pacing myself through a sewing project is essential. I don’t want to mess up my hands in the process. But I also don’t want to avoid one of my favorite creative hobbies for fear of hurting myself.

Spring has arrived late this year. We may still have some chilly set-backs. I can’t recall when I last pulled out my sewing machine and serger—at least a year has passed. With longer days and warmer weather, I’m ready to try again.

Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com.

A Matter of Distinction

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A friend asked me the other day, “What’s new?”

“It’s my birthday on Wednesday,” I replied.

“Oh, are you going to be 65?!” he asked, intending it as a jest.

“No, 64. But 65 would be great, because then I’d finally be eligible for Medicare,” was my rejoinder.

I certainly am looking forward to being relieved of the stresses and uncertainties of employer-based health insurance. But in the meantime, I’m also looking forward to my birthday tomorrow.

Al and I decided to celebrate this past weekend, staying overnight close to Boston for a special dinner out on Saturday night, a great performance by Berlin-based Max Raabe & Palast Orchester at Berklee College of Music, a wonderful brunch Sunday morning with Mindi, and on to an afternoon at the Museum of Fine Arts. I came home feeling celebrated and refreshed.

This, despite some really nasty, cold weather that precluded any chance to wear festive springlike clothes for the occasion. Instead, I decided to decorate my hands.

I haven’t worn any of the beautiful heirloom rings that belonged to my mother and grandmothers in many years. Why draw attention to my fingers? They’re so distorted, especially now, after all the surgery last fall. Or so I’ve told myself.

But Saturday afternoon, as I packed my bag, I reconsidered. Why not? The jewelry reminds me of women that I loved. Both my grandmothers were very elegant, with incredible fashion sense and strong, individual taste. My father’s mother always wore a beautiful opal ring, set like a flower with small opals as petals.

As I child, I wondered why she didn’t have a diamond ring like every other married woman I knew. But now I can really appreciate how distinctive a statement she was making.

So that’s the ring I chose to wear for my birthday weekend. I could only fit it on my left pinky, next to my wedding ring. The gold of one does not match the other. I didn’t care. It simply made me feel good to touch its detailed surface and remember her. It also felt good to assert to my own sense of style.

My fingers are certainly distinctive. And I have ring to match.

Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com.

Waiting for Skylar

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Once again, for the third time in two weeks, we await a major Nor’easter here in New England. This one’s name is Skylar, and it promises to dump at least 8 more inches on Central Massachusetts today, more on Boston. In the meantime, at least half of the 16-plus inches we got last Wednesday has melted. And by the weekend, it’s supposed to hit the 50s, thank goodness!

In preparation, I ran around for a couple of hours on Monday to complete errands before the storm. And did a lot of waiting. First, I had to wait a half hour to see my ENT, a follow-up visit after he had removed my ear tubes last month, post HBO therapy, to be sure everything had healed. Indeed, my eardrums are back to normal, which he confirmed in a five minute check-up. We commiserated about the approaching weather (his home had just regained power from the last storm) and I went on my way.

Next stop was Home Depot for a quick errand. I had to wander around to find someone who could direct me to the right aisle, but at least I had picked the proper section of the superstore and was able to get out of there in about 15 minutes.

Then I headed to the bank to make a deposit. Plenty of cars in the parking lot and another wait in line, as everyone else seemed to be on a mission ahead of bad weather. (Yes, I’m one of those people who do not trust taking a picture of my check on my smartphone and sending it electronically to the bank—not interested in expanding my digital footprint in that way.) The teller and I wished each other a safe day on Tuesday.

On to CVS to pick up some prescriptions. The clerk had trouble finding the second order, finally located it, then noted that our insurance hadn’t covered it. This required some follow-up (we’ve had a recent change in our insurance) and everything was straightened out, after more waiting. And waiting for the updated receipt to be checked into their system. All of this took about a half hour.

Finally, my last stop: blood work at the clinic near our home. I have to have a liver function test done monthly for one of my medications. I’ve been on this drug for many years and never (thank goodness) had a negative test. It seems like a huge waste of time and money. Even my rheumatologist thinks it’s ridiculous. But it’s required. Fortunately, I got right in. The phlebotomist wondered aloud if they would have to come in during the storm. “You’d be amazed how upset people get if their doctor’s appointment is cancelled,” she said, “even if it’s not safe to drive.”

Over the course of my two hours of running around, the sky changed from blue with bright sunshine amidst puffy white clouds to silvery gray. You can feel it in the air that snow is coming. Mother Nature has a way of forcing us to hurry up in order to slow down. Just enough time to take care of my to-dos before Skylar’s arrival. Then I’ll hunker down and simply watch the flakes fall.

Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com.

Arts and Flowers

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We’re having a brief respite from the cold before bitter weather arrives once again. So what better time to get a mental and spiritual break from winter than this past weekend at the Worcester Art Museum’s annual Flora in Winter exhibit. Local florists and garden club mavens create beautiful floral interpretations of art in nearly every gallery. Here are ten of my favorites. Enjoy!

Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com.

Special Treat

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I am getting really tired of winter. I know, it’s only a month into the season, officially. We’ve had one real storm and another day of snowfall; not so bad, so far. But it’s the extreme cold of recent weeks and the fluctuating temperatures that I’m finding exhausting. At least the days are getting noticeably longer, once again—a saving grace.

So it was this weekend that I decided to beat the winter blahs and treat myself to some new clothes. I have been wearing the same sweatpants, turtle necks and long sweaters, in varying combinations, for months, now. And I have not gone clothes shopping in a very long time—not since my hands began to deteriorate last spring. The idea of trying on outfits was anathema. I couldn’t manage it. Now that my hands have healed, a shopping spree was a real option.

It didn’t hurt that end-of-season sales were in full swing (ironic, since the season is far from over!). I gave myself a full afternoon, so I wouldn’t feel rushed, to check out some stores at a nearby mall. This, in itself, was a change of tempo, since I’ve come to rely on the Internet for the majority of my purchases.

I picked a good time, because the mall was not crowded. The stores I chose had only a few customers; sales staff were pleasant and helpful. And I scored big: a pretty and practical wardrobe for transitional temperatures, with coordinated layers that I can mix and match. All soft, comfy and relatively easy to put on and take off. And all within the modest budget I’d set for myself.

Most amazing, I actually had fun shopping! This has not been the case for a long time. Dressing, undressing and dressing again has been a huge hurdle. I haven’t been happy with how clothes fit. But I’d done enough homework to pick the right stores with options that fit my taste and pocketbook. In two hours, I was done, buoyed by success.

In addition, I realized that my vision, which has been blurred for weeks due to the hyperbaric oxygen therapy, is beginning to clear. When I had ventured to a mall several weeks ago for a small errand, the signs were so blurred that I felt dizzy. As I left the mall on Sunday, it suddenly occurred to me that I hadn’t noticed or felt disoriented by my inability to see objects that were farther away. So, more progress.

Snow on the ground will be gone by Tuesday evening, thanks to a day of heavy rainfall (fortunately we’re in a short warming pattern, or we’d be buried again). At some point, the crocuses will peak out of our garden. And I continue, thank goodness, to heal.

Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com.