Living with Scleroderma

Reflections on the Messy Complexity of Chronicity

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January Blues

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Are we there, yet? I mean, springtime. Not even halfway through January, and I’ve had enough, already. I know, I know. Central Massachusetts is not North Dakota or the Yukon or Siberia. My heartfelt sympathies if you live anywhere nearby. But I really, really hate this.

Last week, the Arctic Vortex, or whatever you want to label evil cold weather patterns, sucked all the warmth out of the air. True, we’d been spoiled by unseasonably balmy weather prior to that. But days in the teens and nights in the single digits are not my idea of a good time.

On Thursday, the worst day of all, I decided to brave the cold, regardless, and spend it as planned in Cambridge. This required some strategizing.

I was taking the train to Boston. But Wednesday evening, I realized that neither I nor Al had cash for my ticket, which I had to buy on the train since there is no active ticket counter at our station. I did not want to have to go to the bank on the way, because it was going to be minus-20F windchill and I was not going to try to manipulate the outdoor ATM from my car or leave my car any more than necessary to enter a building. What to do?

Then I remembered my “T” app on my iPhone. Easy-peasy. All I had to do was purchase the MBTA commuter rail ticket and activate it when I got on the train. Just in case we lost Internet service in the morning due to the extreme cold (like I said, I was in high strategy mode), I made my purchase that night. The app came in handy the next morning, too, when I made sure the train was running on time.

My next challenge came Thursday morning. As I confessed last week, I had damaged both Al’s and my car with a back-up mishap that required a new bumper for my Prius and a repaired door on his Civic. My work was completed Wednesday evening. When I went into our garage, I immediately realized:

a) my car reeked of paint fumes; and
b) I had left my car key in the house because Al had driven it back from the body shop.

This required a scramble with the house key, which I managed to drop on the garage floor and struggled to pick up because, well, I can’t easily pick up flat metal objects. So I had to take off my gloves to pry it from the floor. Which made my fingers numb. I said a few choice words.

Once I finally started the car, I knew I was going to have to drive with the window cracked or risk feeling nauseated by the time I got to the train station. On the coldest day of the year. So I cranked up the heat, opened the back passenger window an inch and set forth.

Fortunately, my Prius has a great heater.

For once, I actually got to the train station with enough time to walk to the train without rushing. Ours is a huge, turn-of-the-20th-century station from the grand era of rail travel, so there was no problem waiting indoors instead of on the platform. And, as it turned out, the train pulled in just as I left my car in the open air garage. So I walked through the garage to the station garbed in two layers of sweaters, a wool shawl, wool pants, leg warmers, my heavy down coat, shearling hat, insulated gloves, poofy hood and a warm scarf to hold it all together. I looked ridiculous, but then again, I’m so used to looking ridiculous in weather that most people don’t consider cold that it didn’t really matter. Plus everyone else was bundled head-to-toe, too.

Fortunately, the heaters on the train worked. We pulled out of the station with the car’s front doors stuck open, but a hardy passenger got up from his seat and closed them, since the conductor was nowhere to be seen. I spent the next hour-and-a-half working on a client project on my laptop, very pleased to be riding and not driving in what proved to be horrible traffic, from what I could see on the Mass Pike Extension as we neared Boston.

The worst part of my trip was the walk from the train platform into South Station, bitter cold. Once inside, it was tolerable on the way to the Red Line. My next excursion outdoors—from the Red Line exit to the inside of a Marriott where I waited for my friend to pick me up—left me a bit queasy from breathing frigid air, even through my scarf, but the feeling passed once I got in the building.

Reversing the trip later in the day, I was glad I hadn’t let the bitter weather get the better of me. I relaxed into my seat on the train, noted the horrible traffic westbound on the Pike Extension with smug satisfaction, then returned to working on my novel for the rest of the ride home. My Prius still smelled like paint fumes, even after airing out in the station garage all day, but the heater kicked in quickly enough so that I could crack the window on the short drive to our house and still stay comfortable.

Best of all? When I pulled into our driveway, it was just barely sunset at a quarter to five. The Ice Man may still cometh, but at least the days are getting longer.

Photo Credit: Sangudo via Compfight cc

Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com.

The Big Bang

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Last Tuesday night, I was backing out of our driveway, minding my own business and listening to music, when, WHAM, I hit something. Now I’m a careful driver, and I had checked both directions before moving. It was really dark out. I was not happy.

I pulled over to the side of the road to see what happened. Not only had I hit something—I had hit Al’s Honda Civic. He’d parked on the street, because our eldest was home visiting and her car was in his normal spot to the side of the driveway, but I didn’t see his car when I backed out.

Not only had I hit Al’s car, but I’d dented the passenger door on the driver’s side. Thirty seconds at five miles an hour. Hundreds of dollars of damage. I hurried back into the house to tell him.

To Al’s great credit, he didn’t get upset or angry. He gave me a hug. We went outside to look at the door. It still opened and closed properly. He told me not to worry and to go on to my weaving class. For the next hour-and-a-half, as I wove, all I could think of was that I was determined to make the repairs, regardless of the cost.

Then I got home and took a closer look at my Prius. Not only had I dented Al’s car door, but I had cracked my rear bumper. It’s fiberglass, one piece. More dollars flying out the window. How is it possible to be driving so slowly and do so much damage to two cars?

The day after New Year’s, Al took the cars to a trusted autobody shop and got the estimates. Well, it wasn’t as bad as I expected, but it was bad enough—$750 to repair both. Oh, boy. We decided to go ahead, because I wanted to fix what I’d messed up.

So, for the next couple of weeks, we’ll have one or the other car in the shop. We’ll find the money somehow, the cars will look as if nothing had ever happened, and I will most certainly try not to make that expensive mistake again.

With a few more days’ hindsight, here are my bigger takeaways:

The older I get, the more closely I have to pay attention when driving at night.

I’m very lucky to have such a good husband who doesn’t get mad when I bang up his car.

We’re fortunate to be able to repair both cars, even if it will take a few more months to pay off the credit card.

They’re just cars. They aren’t people. No one was hurt.

Now, if only I could find a body shop that would make me good as new for $750—that would be something.

Photo Credit: Flickr Creative Commons

Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com.

Resolved

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How did it get to be almost 2015, already? Time to retrain myself to write the correct year on checks, once again (yes, I’m one of those people who still writes paper checks). And the correct year when I actually write notes or letters by hand (gasp!). And when I track versions of electronic documents. Or date invoices. Or write the date at the top of a page in my journal.

It’s also time for some New Year’s resolutions. Of course, you can make resolutions to do something better/different any day of the year. But there’s something about revising your habit of how you write the date, an act that filters into so many small daily tasks, that prompts a sense of newness, fresh starts, opportunity for change.

So, here’s my list of healthful resolutions for 2015, half-way through the teens decade of the new millennium:

  1. Enhance my weekly exercise routine. I do stretches every morning and Pilates once a week. But I stopped taking dance classes last summer—mainly because I was getting bored and the class involved a long drive. Time to check out a class closer to home or find something better. But I have to move, more, to keep my joints in shape and stay strong.
  2. Say thank-you to someone for something specific, each day. It’s all too easy to get stuck in all the things that go wrong. Expressing gratitude not only helps me appreciate all the good in my life—it also makes someone else’s day better.
  3. Declutter our home. This is a work in progress, to repair, repurpose or recycle what we don’t need and replace what’s broken and beyond fixing. We really don’t need so much stuff. And I feel better when our space is simplified.
  4. Favor locally grown, organic produce. It’s healthier, and it helps the planet.
  5. Write the first draft of my novel. Yes, I’m getting serious about my fiction. Started a novel in the fall, and my goal is to have a solid draft by this time next year. Investing time in my own art is central to my being—and well-being.
  6. Go/do/see someplace/something new each month. I want to keep growing.
  7. Limit multitasking. I’m really good at this, but it drains my brain. This is Part One of slowing down and focusing on what’s really important.
  8. Limit my to-do list to what I can actually accomplish in a reasonable period of time. This is Part Two.
  9. Spend undistracted quality time with family and friends. Silence the iPhone and put it out of sight. (Yes, Al, you can quote me to myself.)
  10. Give back to my community. I have to be careful with volunteer commitments, not to overextend myself and drain my energy. But I’ve found a pretty good balance between family, work and volunteering at present, and I want to continue as long as I’m able.

As 2014 draws to a close, my thanks to all of you who read this blog, to those who have shared your thoughts and feelings, and to all who care to understand what it means to live with a complex disease like scleroderma. My best wishes for a healthy, fulfilling, joyful and prosperous New Year!

Photo Credit: JoePhilipson via Compfight cc

Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com.

 

The Right Tools

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My dad had a saying: “Any problem can be solved if you have the right tools.” He was something of a tool geek. In the basement of our home, hanging on a pegboard over his workbench, he had every kind of tool imaginable: crescent wrenches, socket wrenches and pipe wrenches, neatly arranged from small to large; flathead and Phillips head screw drivers; a carpenter’s hammer, tack hammer, ball peen hammer, rubber mallet; an electric hand drill with a full set of wood and dry-wall bits; rulers for every task.

Then there were his electronics bench, with its oscilloscope, soldering iron and various pliers; the table saw, with a variety of sharp-toothed steel discs hanging nearby; the drill press; the radial saw. Wooden shelving he’d built was filled with nuts, bolts, screws and nails in baby food jars, each labeled and ordered by size and type. And that’s just the short list.

I found it fascinating. I was his little helper, handing him the right transistor to build his latest Heathkit or the proper socket wrench to adjust his tractor snow-blower.

I learned a lot about how to make things (and how to get out of his way when he inevitably made a mistake and started cussing) and a deep respect for the value and care of good tools. Although my hands don’t work well enough to be able to build my own bookcases or tables or chests of drawers, I understand what’s required and how to envision the project and its implementation.

I also learned an approach to problem solving that has carried me a long way in dealing with scleroderma. Just because my hands don’t work properly doesn’t mean I can’t do what I need to do. I just need to figure out a different approach. And, sometimes, get the right tools.

Dad died five years ago, this past week, on the fifth night of Hanukkah. And so it was exceptionally fitting that in the mail on Saturday, a large box arrived from my Virginia brother-in-law, with a Hanukkah gift—a tool I’d been needing for years.

Saul had visited us in October. While he was here, he noticed I was having trouble opening cans. It’s ridiculous, really. I know I’ve needed an electric can-opener for years, but just never got around to buying one.

Sure enough, when we opened the box, inside was a sleek, black-and-chrome electric can-opener with an easy-lift handle. I tried it out Sunday night. Voila! No more sore fingers from struggling with a manual can-opener, ergonomic design notwithstanding. The can of plum tomatoes turned quickly and quietly, the lid came off easily, and there was no messy blade to clean.

It’s amazing how this device has instantly made my life easier. Especially when I have intransigent ulcers, as I do right now, opening cans has become quite an ordeal. If my fingers slip, it’s extraordinarily painful. Sometimes I’ll turn the manual crank all the way around the can, only to have to repeat because the blade didn’t cut all the way through the metal lid. There have been many times I’ve had to use rubber gloves or a towel for extra padding on the handle, to be able to manipulate the can-opener. Sometimes I just can’t open the can at all, and I have to wait for Al to be available to help.

Why it took my brother-in-law’s thoughtful gesture to turn this around, I’m not sure. Sometimes you just get so immersed in the way you’ve always done something that it’s hard to muster the energy or awareness to fix it.

So, I repeat, in Dad’s memory: Any problem can be solved if you have the right tools. And I’ll add this caveat: It helps if you’re paying attention. Thank you, Saul.

Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com.

Power and Light

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I have a new item on my to-do list: Figure out whether we should stick with our current (no pun intended) electricity supplier, or find a more competitive source. This is important, because the rates are jumping on January 1, and we rely on electricity to power our heat pumps, which I rely on to stay warm and keep my Raynaud’s in check.

We switched over to the pumps from oil heat a couple of years ago, in an effort to make our home more energy efficient. We’ve certainly saved a lot on oil (only use one tankful a year, now), but I have to be very careful how I use the heat pumps, to manage our electric bill. There’s a pump in each room, which allows for customized, zoned heat. I try to limit which pumps are on according to where I am in the house during the course of the day.

For the most part, the heat pumps work well, but when the temperature drops below about 15 degrees Fahrenheit, we have to revert to a mix of oil and baseboard electric heat. Also, there have been days already when it’s just been so windy and cold that I’ve turned on the baseboard heat (less efficient, supposedly) in my little office and the kitchen, because it feels more even.

So, Sunday night I began sorting through all the potential options and learning about kilowatt hour charges for electric supply, plus distribution charges and more. It’s a lot to tackle, and we need to figure it out before January 1, when the rates jump.

There are many other things I would rather be doing right now than a cost-benefit analysis of our electrical supply options.

On the other hand, I’m glad we at least have options and aren’t necessarily stuck with a big rate hike. And I’m very grateful to have the means to keep our home warm enough for my body, with my broken internal thermostat, and a husband who doesn’t mind the added expense.

It’s just a cost of living with scleroderma in New England.

My quest for more cost-efficient power comes as we begin the festival of Hanukkah. We light the first candle this evening. I look forward to this holiday every year, because it always falls near the Winter Solstice. So with each candle that we light for the eight days of the festival, we’re getting closer to the point when the days will start getting longer again. Just knowing there will be more sunlight soon always gives me a boost, despite the cold temperatures outside (and higher energy bills, whatever the source).

When you light Hanukkah candles, you’re not supposed to use them to illuminate a room or as a source of light for work. You’re just supposed place the hanukkiah, an eight-branched candelabra, in a window, where the flickering candles can be seen from the street—silently, peacefully conveying their profound message of religious freedom and liberation from oppression.

Power and light come in many forms. On Hanukkah, both are free.

Happy holidays.

Evelyn Herwitz blogs weekly about living fully with chronic disease, the inside of baseballs, turtles and frogs, J.S. Bach, the meaning of life and whatever else she happens to be thinking about at livingwithscleroderma.com.

Photo Credit: ** RCB ** via Compfight cc